Recap on The Disorders

Over the past 5 days, personality disorders have been discussed. Narcissistic Personality, Avoidant Personality, Borderline Personality, Paranoid and Dependent Personality, and Histrionic Personality disorders all have different characteristics and can occur with each other in a person. I explained the basic traits of each disorder as follows: Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves a person having a false-persona that he/she will protect at all costs, through using defense mechanisms such as projection, grandiose thinking, and entitlement. Avoidant personality is seen in people through their desires to avoid doing new things, socializing with people, and not wanting to take risks, due to their desire to not be made fun of or do things wrong. Borderline people tend to have very deep-seated emotions and react to perceived rejections and abandonment by self-inflicted harm, threats of suicide and other types of defenses. Paranoid people tend to have irrational fears that have no proven basis. Dependent personality disorder is seen in people clinging to others, expecting others to make important decisions for them, and deep insecurities when not with the people they are dependent on. Lastly, Histrionic disorder shows up in the person who demands that all eyes remain on him/her, and who will act seductive or showy in order to be sure that they do.

The Disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder

A person with Borderline Personality disorder is emotionally and psychologically irratic. They will do anything to keep you from leaving or rejecting them, whether threatening suicide or trying to make you feel guilty for things. Addictions are common in this disorder…self-mutilation, drinking, eating disorders, cutting are also part of it. Borderlines feel non-existent so they will do things to make themselves “feel” like they are materialized. People with this disorder tend to cling, will alternately pull you close and push you away, can become the center of attention at the expense of others. Dissociation is part of the disorder, as is “losing time.” Borderlines can be heard to say “I don’t remember” because they will black out at times and not realize what they just experienced. It is difficult to be a close friend of a person who has this disorder, because you can be accused of plotting against your friend, and often, you may be seen as not truly caring for them.

The Disorders: Paranoid Personality Disorder

A person with Paranoid Personality disorder has irrational suspicions. They believe that someone is spying on them or out to get them in some way. There is generally no proof that this person’s fears are logical and most people think they are acting crazy when they voice their fears. People with this disorder can be very hostile, homo-phobic, and are difficult to remain close to in relationships. A person with Dependent Personality Disorder is clingy, has trouble making his/her own decisions, and generally avoids situations unless someone else can do the thinking and choosing for him/her. 

The Disorders: The Avoidant Personality Disorder

A person with Avoidant Personality disorder will stay away from doing new things because they are afraid that people will not like or make fun of them. When you suggest to an avoidant that they need to go out and meet people they will immediately show panic, make excuses, and justify why they are not interested in your socialization suggestion. Avoidants want to connect with people but are not sure how to get past their anxiety about it. People with this disorder are NOT risk-takers and will do anything to avoid staying out of new situations in which they have to face their fears of involvement.

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The Disorders: Histrionic Personality Disorder

A person with Histrionic Personality disorder seeks to be the center of attention at any cost. They are seductive, even with people in positions of authority. Histrionics use their bodies to make people notice them and pay attention. They are flamboyant, strutting around like peacocks and believing that people “belong” to them. They are flirtatious and talk a lot. They are dramatic and obnoxious and can make a scene. Histrionics are “bolder than life” people. People with the disorder will make any conversation end up focused back on themselves. This disorder often occurs along with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which will be discussed in the next blog.

Recap of End of November to Early December

of the past week we discussed information about people with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I explained how both Borderlines and Narcissists have a fear of you leaving them, but for different reasons. I also told about the exhaustion that comes from trying to befriend or help either type of person, the similarities and differences between the two personality disorders, and what it is like to be cornered by both. Though both NPD and BPD are disorders involving the personality, the traits of the narcissist make him or her very difficult to relate to and especially, get close with long-term. The Borderline, by nature, craves relationships of intimacy, but because of his or her tendency to become too clingy, needy, and unstable, people who try to bond with them also feel that it can be almost impossible to have a fair give-and-take relationship. Borderlines can be helped through therapy, whereas, simple talk-therapy alone will never help the true narcissist.

5. Being Cornered by Narcissists and Borderlines

Both people with narcissistic and borderline personality disorders use silent treatment, overreactto things, watch you to see what they should do or say next, corner you, live in 3rd person (and someties speak in it) Dealing with people who have either issue is difficult and feels almost impossible. My view of how to overcome the hurts that are caused by disordered people, is to read the Bible and learn what GOD thinks of you. One of the reasons people who were victimized have a hard time moving on without the narcissist, is that they don’t know who they are without him or her. God has some wonderful things to say about and to you in His Word, as you will learn on this video.

4. Similarities and Differences Between BPD and NPD people

There are similarities between people’s behaviors that have NPD and BPD. They are as follows: Both avoid TRUE intimacy, have inner shame, are selfish, carry shame, have mood changes, ignore people’s feelings, project their issues onto others, live in denial (BPD’s will however, admit they have issues and want help), act out of defense from perceived wounds, will gaslight others, isolate others, and value/devalue people. The main difference in the behavior of the narcissist versus the borderline, however is that the borderline shows remorse after doing something or saying something that is hurtful or wrong, and the narcissist shows no remorse, but only entitlement and grandiosity, with lack of empathy.

3. Both Narcissists and Borderlines Are Passionate and Can Exhaust Their Victims

People with these disorders feel inadequate and are often needy perfectionistic and self or false-self focused. Both demand excessive attention but different types of this. Borderlines will pull away from you if they perceive that you reject them yet they will return to you out of fear of rejection and abandonment (I hate you. Don’t leave me!) They are self-punishers who internalize blame; this entails pills, cutting, self-harm, and eating disorders. Narcissists will use manipulation, rejection and anger if you are about to leave them. They use gaslighting (trying to make you feel insane) in order to control you and make you more dependent on them so you will do what they want. Narcissists want to be adored and want you for their slave, Borderlines want you to be their savior. Both people with BPD and NPD are very demanding, all-encompassing, passionate about getting what they want, and can cause the victim to become depressed, trapped, and miserable.

Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders Compared

Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders Compared There can be both narcissistic and borderline traits in people, so it can be difficult to accurately and specifically diagnose both disorders. There are traits listed in the Psychological manual with which a basic diagnosis can be attempted. The problem with diagnosing a narcissist is that they are expert actors and can turn on and off their behaviors so the therapist is deceived. Narcissistic Personality contains a need for extreme admiration, lack of empathy, grandiose self, preoccupied with ideal love, believes he/she can only associate with people of high status, and expects impossible things from people. This person is envious but believes others are the ones envying him/her. Borderline Personality shows up in 5 traits of avoiding abandonment, self-injury, unstable interpersonal relationships, alternating idealizing/despising another person, impulsive spending, sex, substance use, driving, binging, eating disorders, suicidal threats and behaviors, depression, anxiety that lasts for several hours, feeling empty and angry with trouble controlling their anger, and shows in dissociative behaviors.

Recap of November 15-22

In the past week, I covered several topics related to narcissistic behaviors and how to tell if may be living with or in contact with a true narcissist.  I covered covert narcissism, which is an indirect form of behaviors that are narcissistic, such as passive-aggression and projection.  In this form of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist may not be loud or physically violent, but still may abuse in underhanded, sneaky ways. 

I also talked about whether narcissistic behavior is rational or not, as well as how the narcissist’s behavior cycle operates in a similar way to how a cat stalks, catches, kills, and deserts a mouse.  I talked about one type of narcissist known as the blame-shifter, shared some examples of the crazy-making behaviors of narcissists, and warned that you should NOT try to convince the narcissist that he or she is one.

More information on narcissists and narcissism coming soon, as well as other topics...Stay Tuned

How Do You Tell a Narcissist He/She Is One? You Don’t!

N’s cannot handle you telling them they have a flaw of any kind. They do not even appreciate your “concern” for them, and will assume you are accusing them of almost being a serial killer or some horrendous thing.  They do not even have a reference for “compromise” or “working together” on changing behaviors.  It will not work for you to try to be their therapist at all!

Don’t be surprised if the narcissist is well able to see their own flaws in other people but not in themselves; they learned how to project and displace their own issues very well a long time ago.   In fact, if you have noticed any major changes in the narcissist in your relationship, chances are he/she are not a true, malignant narcissist, because those types do not change without extensive help from people that specialize in treating  their issues.

Is The Behavior of the Narcissist Rational?

Yes, if you consider the fact that this person’s main drive in life is false-self protection.

Narcissists see people like cars. Once it breaks down, it’s time to trade it in for a new model. With people, this means that once the supply source no longer flatters, adores, pleases the narcissist, it’s time to switch supply sources. This is the time you will notice the narcissist suddenly being upset with things about you that used to fascinate and thrill them, and then, you will find yourself being out of the picture and the new source being the one bragged about by the narcissist.

Covert Narcissism

One type of narcissist is known as a “Covert” Narcissist. This type is similar to an outright narcissist but the covert tends to be more underhanded, behind-the scenes.  They tend to be passive-aggressive exploiters.  These people are vulnerable to stress and feel guilty about fantasizing about things they know they will most likely never have or be.  This guilt causes them to suppress their feelings more.  They are angry and envious and see others as weak and wimpy.  They want to be viewed as the hero or the charity worker.  When praised, the covert does not believe it is sincere; they view the one praising them as having alterior motives.  The tend to put themselves down through self-deprecation and admire people they look up to and also resent them at the same time.  Coverts want their victims to succeed yet resent them if they do, out of envy.  This type of narcissist can be explained by the following words: hostile

 exploitative

 never pleased

can't handle stress well

competitive

low self-concept

enviousof people yet hate them

rescuer complex

suspicious

feels unappreciated

puts self down

tend to live with overt narcissists

Recap of November 7- November 14

RECAP In the past week, we discussed the grandiose thinking of the narcissist, in which he or she sees themselves achieving things they truly haven’t, or believes that they are already in a position of power over a group when they are not, just to name a few examples. Also discussed were the facts that narcissists will never truly be happy and that just because you grew up in a house with 2 people who got together and shared an egg and sperm that became you, does NOT mean they are defined as “father” or “mother.” It is normal for people to want to believe they had parents, but there are some humans that just do not deserve the honor of those titles!

Entitlement of the Narcissist

Entitlement of the Narcissist Narcissists believe “the world (and anyone else) owes them a living!” but when you need anything from them, they are too busy, can’t be bothered, etc. Boundaries are very important in any relationship and if you are the only one giving and giving, there is an imbalance in your relationship. That would be a dictatorship, not a friendship or relationship. It’s time to look at your own self-worth and expect it to be respected and honored. If you can’t be honored and respected, it’s time to get out and move on!

What about Getting the Narcissist Professional Help? Will it Work?

   I am so familiar with wanting to "fix" and help a narcissist get over their issues. IT DOES NOT WORK! First of all, they don't respect therapists, secondly, they believe NOBODY knows them like they know themselves, and even if they will go to see someone for help, the entire session will turn out to be an interrogation time...with YOU being the victim of the questioning or accusations!

   Narcissists will often say things like "what does a shrink know about me?" "They are just in it for the money!" "Ok, we'll go, but just because YOU need mental help. I am just fine! You are the one who is so unhappy. I don't see why you can't just leave things alone."

   Years ago, when I first started DelusionDispeller outreach, I never would advocate or encourage people divorcing. Since I have met people and counseled them, I am a FIRM advocate of ending relationships with people who have the NPD diagnosis and traits. It is a lose-lose situation unless the narcissist can be totally isolated for a long period of time and re-learn how to care about someone else, learn to share, compromise, communicate non-defensively, and basically change his/her brain.

    I have yet to see a narcissist truly change long-term. I suppose some do, but I have never witnessed it in my life.

Grandiose Thinking of the Narcissist

Grandiose Thinking

Narcissists have delusions about being rich, famous, and adored. The best thing for you to do is to “humor” the narcissist without seeming like you realize their dreams are phony.  The narcissist is convinced that he really has achieved or will achieve his grand notions.  Often, but not always, the narcissist has claims of talents or ambitions of which he/she is incapable of or has no proof of either.

You Cannot Make a Narcissist Happy

As a caring person, you might feel like there is something different you can do to make your narcissistic partner happy. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make them be happy or satisfied, because this comes from within.  You need to allow the narcissist to “own” his/her behaviors, but don’t knock yourself out trying to please them.  Living with a person with this personality disorder of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is never easy or even “do-able” for most people.  I will generally advise people to leave if they find themselves with such types of abusers.  If you are married to or in a close relationship with a narcissist in which you are not able to leave, boundaries will be CRUCIAL for you to set and insist on, as well as having people the narcissist will be accountable to if possible. Easier said than done, of course, but necessary.

Narcissistic Egg and Sperm Donors (Because they are NOT Parents!)

Narcissistic parents are what I call “egg donors” or “sperm donors.” The types of narcissists will tell you that when they abuse you, it’s for “your own good.” They often compare you to your siblings, will ignore you, take credit for something you did or insult what you achieved.  They will passively-aggressively hurt you and then make fun of you for getting upset.

These types of narcissistic fiends are amused when you are afraid, get a thrill out of watching you react in horror to tactless comments that they make. They have no problem tormenting you in front of certain people, as long as you are aware that you are being harmed and the other person often does not catch on.  They can be very ruthless and sadistic in the way they treat children, as a child represents that very pure and innocent  self that they can not be.

Starving a child, physically abusing them, turning a sibling against a child, killing the child’s pet, ruining his/her property, are only some of the many ways the narcissist uses to gain control and domination over a child. This evil egg/sperm donor does not nurture or show compassion or care toward the child either.  Sometimes these children grow up to become narcissists themselves. Sadly, I became close with and was abused by one recently.