What are the 9 Traits of Narcissism?

In order to have a true diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) a person must have 5 of the 9 traits of the disorder.  This video talks about the 9 traits that need to be seen in order to determine a true narcissistic character of a client.

The motive behind harming others is what distinguishes a narcissist from a psychopath.  Narc's main objective is to protect their image that they want others to see as them. Psychopaths simply enjoy harming people, get a "rush" out of it, and have no remorse over what they do.

TOXIC MOMS TOXIC PARENTS - KIDS OF TOXIC PARENTS NEED TO BREAK FREE

This Past Week: Cyclothymia Explained

This past week, a disorder known as Cyclothymic Mood Disorder or Cyclothymia was discussed. This is similar to the familiar Bipolar Disorder, but it's fluctuations in moods can last longer. People with Cyclothymia tend to react to what is going on inside of themselves, rather than being affected by external situations. Cyclothymics tend to be rather indecisive about things and will often "hop" around from job to job, person to person, and hobby to hobby, seeming almost schizophrenic at times. Cyc's often become very intense and smothering in relationships; even the ones they should not even be part of. It is difficult for people with this disorder to adapt to change, though they will adapt to people in order to be accepted and approved of. CMD is troubling for the people who have it, but it is not impossible to treat and deal with. Medication and therapy is warranted in most situations and can often have a very favorable outcome.

Cyclothymia Explained: Conclusion

5. Cyclothymia Explained: "Not All in Our Heads"

4.Cyclothymia Explained: Do Medications Help?

3. Cyclothymia Explained: Confidence Levels

2.Cyclothymia Explained

In this video, I will discuss how CMD has affected me. I am a "moment person" which means my "needle" can sometimes get stuck. I don't do this anymore, but during the era of this filming, I had a real problem with this.  There are similar traits with other disorders with people who have CMD. I prefer to live in the present rather than discussing the future. I like to experience each moment fully and I really LIVE in the moment.  During the filming of this video, I sense that my speech is rapid...more rapid than it is in the beginning of the month.  At this time 2013, I do not talk super fast like I used to, but it does bother me trying to have a conversation with other people who do this. This is why I urge people to seek a therapist before contacting me. I am a life coach, not a therapist, and I do not have the tools or patience to deal with people who have not been treated for their severe disorders.

Cyclothymia Explained Part I

One type of mental health challenge is a form of bipolar disorder, which is milder than BP D but as troubling to those who battle it.  It is known as Cyclothymia or Cyclothymic Mood Disorder (CMD). I was diagnosed with this in 2006 after coming out of a very toxic relationship with a mentor.  Not only had I been attracting these types of abusive people, but I fought to remain in unhealthy relationships due to CMD.  On this video, I discuss the basics about CMD and will share from experiences and research about the disorder. It's not hopeless if you have this problem, it's only hopeless if you don't seek treatment. Enjoy the information on this series and thanks so much for watching.

Private Life Coaching is available after you have been diagnosed, sought therapy, and are stable and ready to move forward.  Email me at DelusionDispeller@gmail.com for information.

Recap on The Disorders

Over the past 5 days, personality disorders have been discussed. Narcissistic Personality, Avoidant Personality, Borderline Personality, Paranoid and Dependent Personality, and Histrionic Personality disorders all have different characteristics and can occur with each other in a person. I explained the basic traits of each disorder as follows: Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves a person having a false-persona that he/she will protect at all costs, through using defense mechanisms such as projection, grandiose thinking, and entitlement. Avoidant personality is seen in people through their desires to avoid doing new things, socializing with people, and not wanting to take risks, due to their desire to not be made fun of or do things wrong. Borderline people tend to have very deep-seated emotions and react to perceived rejections and abandonment by self-inflicted harm, threats of suicide and other types of defenses. Paranoid people tend to have irrational fears that have no proven basis. Dependent personality disorder is seen in people clinging to others, expecting others to make important decisions for them, and deep insecurities when not with the people they are dependent on. Lastly, Histrionic disorder shows up in the person who demands that all eyes remain on him/her, and who will act seductive or showy in order to be sure that they do.

The Disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder

A person with Borderline Personality disorder is emotionally and psychologically irratic. They will do anything to keep you from leaving or rejecting them, whether threatening suicide or trying to make you feel guilty for things. Addictions are common in this disorder…self-mutilation, drinking, eating disorders, cutting are also part of it. Borderlines feel non-existent so they will do things to make themselves “feel” like they are materialized. People with this disorder tend to cling, will alternately pull you close and push you away, can become the center of attention at the expense of others. Dissociation is part of the disorder, as is “losing time.” Borderlines can be heard to say “I don’t remember” because they will black out at times and not realize what they just experienced. It is difficult to be a close friend of a person who has this disorder, because you can be accused of plotting against your friend, and often, you may be seen as not truly caring for them.

The Disorders: Paranoid Personality Disorder

A person with Paranoid Personality disorder has irrational suspicions. They believe that someone is spying on them or out to get them in some way. There is generally no proof that this person’s fears are logical and most people think they are acting crazy when they voice their fears. People with this disorder can be very hostile, homo-phobic, and are difficult to remain close to in relationships. A person with Dependent Personality Disorder is clingy, has trouble making his/her own decisions, and generally avoids situations unless someone else can do the thinking and choosing for him/her. 

The Disorders: The Avoidant Personality Disorder

A person with Avoidant Personality disorder will stay away from doing new things because they are afraid that people will not like or make fun of them. When you suggest to an avoidant that they need to go out and meet people they will immediately show panic, make excuses, and justify why they are not interested in your socialization suggestion. Avoidants want to connect with people but are not sure how to get past their anxiety about it. People with this disorder are NOT risk-takers and will do anything to avoid staying out of new situations in which they have to face their fears of involvement.

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The Disorders: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

People with Narcissistic Personality disorder are grandiose, thinking they are the most important and best person on the planet. They brag about accomplishments and, sometimes there is no proof of them having achieved what they claim. Usually, narcissists like to appear as being extremely busy, the savior of others, and people who know people. Narcissists have a sense of entitlement, which means they think they should get whatever they want, simply because they exist and are super special. Narcissists will connect to anyone who will do their bidding. These people were generally not raised properly as children…having been either abused, neglected or treated as the “golden child.” If you are not on the side of the narcissist, he/she will perceive that you are out to destroy them. They cannot relate to deep emotions and see people that show emotions as weak or wimpy. Narcissists only care about what matters to them, usually to protect the false image of themselves that they present to the world. A narcissist will react to confrontation by using the silent treatment or severe rage. People with this disorder can take you under their wing one moment and then turn and rip you to pieces verbally the next minute; this is known as idealization/devaluation. Narcissists are game players that seek to always be seen as the best but knowing in the deep part of their heart, that they are afraid, jealous, insecure human beings.

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The Disorders: Histrionic Personality Disorder

A person with Histrionic Personality disorder seeks to be the center of attention at any cost. They are seductive, even with people in positions of authority. Histrionics use their bodies to make people notice them and pay attention. They are flamboyant, strutting around like peacocks and believing that people “belong” to them. They are flirtatious and talk a lot. They are dramatic and obnoxious and can make a scene. Histrionics are “bolder than life” people. People with the disorder will make any conversation end up focused back on themselves. This disorder often occurs along with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which will be discussed in the next blog.

Recap of End of November to Early December

of the past week we discussed information about people with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I explained how both Borderlines and Narcissists have a fear of you leaving them, but for different reasons. I also told about the exhaustion that comes from trying to befriend or help either type of person, the similarities and differences between the two personality disorders, and what it is like to be cornered by both. Though both NPD and BPD are disorders involving the personality, the traits of the narcissist make him or her very difficult to relate to and especially, get close with long-term. The Borderline, by nature, craves relationships of intimacy, but because of his or her tendency to become too clingy, needy, and unstable, people who try to bond with them also feel that it can be almost impossible to have a fair give-and-take relationship. Borderlines can be helped through therapy, whereas, simple talk-therapy alone will never help the true narcissist.

5. Being Cornered by Narcissists and Borderlines

Both people with narcissistic and borderline personality disorders use silent treatment, overreactto things, watch you to see what they should do or say next, corner you, live in 3rd person (and someties speak in it) Dealing with people who have either issue is difficult and feels almost impossible. My view of how to overcome the hurts that are caused by disordered people, is to read the Bible and learn what GOD thinks of you. One of the reasons people who were victimized have a hard time moving on without the narcissist, is that they don’t know who they are without him or her. God has some wonderful things to say about and to you in His Word, as you will learn on this video.

4. Similarities and Differences Between BPD and NPD people

There are similarities between people’s behaviors that have NPD and BPD. They are as follows: Both avoid TRUE intimacy, have inner shame, are selfish, carry shame, have mood changes, ignore people’s feelings, project their issues onto others, live in denial (BPD’s will however, admit they have issues and want help), act out of defense from perceived wounds, will gaslight others, isolate others, and value/devalue people. The main difference in the behavior of the narcissist versus the borderline, however is that the borderline shows remorse after doing something or saying something that is hurtful or wrong, and the narcissist shows no remorse, but only entitlement and grandiosity, with lack of empathy.

3. Both Narcissists and Borderlines Are Passionate and Can Exhaust Their Victims

People with these disorders feel inadequate and are often needy perfectionistic and self or false-self focused. Both demand excessive attention but different types of this. Borderlines will pull away from you if they perceive that you reject them yet they will return to you out of fear of rejection and abandonment (I hate you. Don’t leave me!) They are self-punishers who internalize blame; this entails pills, cutting, self-harm, and eating disorders. Narcissists will use manipulation, rejection and anger if you are about to leave them. They use gaslighting (trying to make you feel insane) in order to control you and make you more dependent on them so you will do what they want. Narcissists want to be adored and want you for their slave, Borderlines want you to be their savior. Both people with BPD and NPD are very demanding, all-encompassing, passionate about getting what they want, and can cause the victim to become depressed, trapped, and miserable.

2 Borderlines Fear You Leaving and Narcissists Fear Losing You as Suppy

Both will make unreasonable demands and expectations, which will be frustrating for you because you will “fall over yourself” trying to avoid offending them (there is NO WAY NOT to offend them). If you try to leave a borderline, they will do almost anything to keep you, but a narcissist will most likely react to your leaving with rage or blame or just ignoring you. Narcissist’s body language is seen through “the glare” or a haughty presence of conceitedness. Borderlines tend to look dejected, depressed, insecure, and are verbal about feeling empty, alone, rejected. Narcissists are bored easily and restless. Borderlines are preoccupied with cutting, self-abuse, self-deprecation. Narcissists and Borderlines both treat people as objects, but where Narcissists are envious yet resentful of the person they envy, Borderlines are envious but feel like they could never be as good as whom they envy. Narcissists will “give” to earn trust so you will serve her/him and then control will be possible Borderlines will “give” gifts in order to produce enmeshment with you. Narcissists do not fear losing you because they need you, but rather because they will have to work hard to find another supply person. Borderlines actually FEAR losing you because they find their worth through your reactions to them.

Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders Compared

Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders Compared There can be both narcissistic and borderline traits in people, so it can be difficult to accurately and specifically diagnose both disorders. There are traits listed in the Psychological manual with which a basic diagnosis can be attempted. The problem with diagnosing a narcissist is that they are expert actors and can turn on and off their behaviors so the therapist is deceived. Narcissistic Personality contains a need for extreme admiration, lack of empathy, grandiose self, preoccupied with ideal love, believes he/she can only associate with people of high status, and expects impossible things from people. This person is envious but believes others are the ones envying him/her. Borderline Personality shows up in 5 traits of avoiding abandonment, self-injury, unstable interpersonal relationships, alternating idealizing/despising another person, impulsive spending, sex, substance use, driving, binging, eating disorders, suicidal threats and behaviors, depression, anxiety that lasts for several hours, feeling empty and angry with trouble controlling their anger, and shows in dissociative behaviors.

Recap of November 15-22

In the past week, I covered several topics related to narcissistic behaviors and how to tell if may be living with or in contact with a true narcissist.  I covered covert narcissism, which is an indirect form of behaviors that are narcissistic, such as passive-aggression and projection.  In this form of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist may not be loud or physically violent, but still may abuse in underhanded, sneaky ways. 

I also talked about whether narcissistic behavior is rational or not, as well as how the narcissist’s behavior cycle operates in a similar way to how a cat stalks, catches, kills, and deserts a mouse.  I talked about one type of narcissist known as the blame-shifter, shared some examples of the crazy-making behaviors of narcissists, and warned that you should NOT try to convince the narcissist that he or she is one.

More information on narcissists and narcissism coming soon, as well as other topics...Stay Tuned

Crazymaking Behaviors of the Narcissist

There are many behaviors of narcissists that can make you feel NUTS!  First, they are people that live almost obsessively/compulsively rigid and by routine. This helps the narcissist feel more secure, but it also makes him/her appear robotic.  It also makes them predictable after a while.

Narcissists are "affection-junkies" as long as the affection can be his/her supply source.  Once that supply ends or he senses it is about to, he will discard you after replacing you with someone else.  Underneath the mask of"Mr/Mrs Wonderful is a lot of anger, rage, revenge, and ugliness.  These traits are based on the defense mechanism that was built up over the years.

If you begin seeing through the narcissist, he/she will start smearing, mocking, criticizing, projecting onto you.  You will be victimized and subjected to much torment.  Don't be shocked if you've been with the narc for years, if suddenly they seem disinterested, bothered by your need for them, or even full of rage because you are "never satisfied." That is ABOUT THEM!  The narcissist NEVER CARED and still DOES NOT CARE about you. I know you think that you and they had this wonderful, magical love affair, marriage, relationship, but that's only in YOUR mind, and was never in theirs. They simply used you till they next best thing came along.

Are You Living With a Narcissist?

There are ways to know if you might be living with a narcissistic person. Guilt trips, constant criticism, false accusations, demand that you do everything their way, making their choices, and feeling like you never measure up, are ways to know that narcissism is present.

Do you feel devalued, controlled, at fault even for things you did not do? Do you feel almost like you do not exist or are invisible until you can do something for the other person?  Are you “tripping over” yourself to please the other person but never being able to?

Is the person you live with able to turn on and off emotions? Did they suddenly go from loving to abhorring you?  Do they seem to have no true care for you or other people? When they look at you, do you see void or emptiness behind their eyes?

Do conversations turn always back onto them? Does the person in your situation say tactless, rude, mean comments to or about you (even in front of others).

Does the other person throw temper tantrums, constantly seem to be competing with you? Tease you mercilessly and seem to find great enjoyment with this or just not care that you find it irritating and invasive?

What is HEALTHY NARCISSISM?

Clear boundaries of self and respecting boundaries of others, desire to do your best, desire to be accepted and loved.

radio interview: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/othersideoflife/2013/03/21/dark-heart-wounded-pastexposing-a-narcissist

How Do You Tell a Narcissist He/She Is One? You Don’t!

N’s cannot handle you telling them they have a flaw of any kind. They do not even appreciate your “concern” for them, and will assume you are accusing them of almost being a serial killer or some horrendous thing.  They do not even have a reference for “compromise” or “working together” on changing behaviors.  It will not work for you to try to be their therapist at all!

Don’t be surprised if the narcissist is well able to see their own flaws in other people but not in themselves; they learned how to project and displace their own issues very well a long time ago.   In fact, if you have noticed any major changes in the narcissist in your relationship, chances are he/she are not a true, malignant narcissist, because those types do not change without extensive help from people that specialize in treating  their issues.

Cat n Mouse Catnip Game

When the narcissist becomes bored with his/her supply source, the victim (supply person) is smacked around (verbally or maybe physically) and then the narcissist finds a new supply person and tosses aside the old supply person.

It is out of sight out of mind for the narcissist and erases the supply person from their mind and life.  It is what DISILLUSION means…that awful feeling in which you are asking yourself. “

Is The Behavior of the Narcissist Rational?

Yes, if you consider the fact that this person’s main drive in life is false-self protection.

Narcissists see people like cars. Once it breaks down, it’s time to trade it in for a new model. With people, this means that once the supply source no longer flatters, adores, pleases the narcissist, it’s time to switch supply sources. This is the time you will notice the narcissist suddenly being upset with things about you that used to fascinate and thrill them, and then, you will find yourself being out of the picture and the new source being the one bragged about by the narcissist.

Covert Narcissism

One type of narcissist is known as a “Covert” Narcissist. This type is similar to an outright narcissist but the covert tends to be more underhanded, behind-the scenes.  They tend to be passive-aggressive exploiters.  These people are vulnerable to stress and feel guilty about fantasizing about things they know they will most likely never have or be.  This guilt causes them to suppress their feelings more.  They are angry and envious and see others as weak and wimpy.  They want to be viewed as the hero or the charity worker.  When praised, the covert does not believe it is sincere; they view the one praising them as having alterior motives.  The tend to put themselves down through self-deprecation and admire people they look up to and also resent them at the same time.  Coverts want their victims to succeed yet resent them if they do, out of envy.  This type of narcissist can be explained by the following words: hostile

 exploitative

 never pleased

can't handle stress well

competitive

low self-concept

enviousof people yet hate them

rescuer complex

suspicious

feels unappreciated

puts self down

tend to live with overt narcissists

Recap of November 7- November 14

RECAP In the past week, we discussed the grandiose thinking of the narcissist, in which he or she sees themselves achieving things they truly haven’t, or believes that they are already in a position of power over a group when they are not, just to name a few examples. Also discussed were the facts that narcissists will never truly be happy and that just because you grew up in a house with 2 people who got together and shared an egg and sperm that became you, does NOT mean they are defined as “father” or “mother.” It is normal for people to want to believe they had parents, but there are some humans that just do not deserve the honor of those titles!

Entitlement of the Narcissist

Entitlement of the Narcissist Narcissists believe “the world (and anyone else) owes them a living!” but when you need anything from them, they are too busy, can’t be bothered, etc. Boundaries are very important in any relationship and if you are the only one giving and giving, there is an imbalance in your relationship. That would be a dictatorship, not a friendship or relationship. It’s time to look at your own self-worth and expect it to be respected and honored. If you can’t be honored and respected, it’s time to get out and move on!

Victimized: Stuck in Servant Mode

One of the most disturbing and fascinating aspects of having sessions with adult victims of narcissistic abuse, either in their childhood homes or by boyfriends, husbands, wives, friends, bosses, etc, is that, often I meet people who are "stuck" in certain stages of development.

Many people are aware that when a child was molested, that person as an adult, may have childlike characteristics that stemmed from being harmed at that age, but some adult-children of abuse also are under-developed in other ways of their lives.

Sadly, abuse victims have believed the message that they have to "apologize for living and existing."  They have learned that what they do, who they are, what they think has no place being shared among people. They are convinced that they simply are on this planet to do the bidding of and meet the needs of other people who have more rights to be here than they.

If this belief continues long enough, it fuels the actions of abuse victims, to the point that they subconsciously attach to people looking for this "learned state of helpless belief and action" in them. This makes such a person a prime target of narcissists and "control freaks" as well as "sociopaths" at times.

The main solution to overcoming the tendency to be attractive to abusers, is to work on learning one's self-worth and right to "be." When a person believes he/she have no rights to live, to obtain things they want, to express themselves, they simply live for the other person, doing whatever it is that the 'stronger' one wants them to.  They learn to convince themselves that they are "good" because they have mastered meeting their controller's needs and even "second-guessing" exactly what they want. This makes them feel very clever, and yes, NEEDED...but it is a LIE...they are a HUMAN BEING, NOT a HUMAN DOING!

If you have been abused and you believe that your purpose and your only joy comes because you are consistently meeting the needs of others and have no needs or dreams of your own, you need help!  Sometimes it is ok to be "self-ish" and you NEED to be.  Your abusers taught you that your main reason for living and being allowed to be in their presence or the presence of others, is that you were a "good girl" or "good boy" based on serving THEM! This was NOT your reason for being put on this planet, in this world.  You need to seek a trauma therapist and find out which age you are stuck at, which beliefs are keeping you in this subservient, unhealthy position, and move forward to achieve YOUR goals, YOUR hopes, YOUR dreams and finding out who YOU are...just YOU!

What about Getting the Narcissist Professional Help? Will it Work?

   I am so familiar with wanting to "fix" and help a narcissist get over their issues. IT DOES NOT WORK! First of all, they don't respect therapists, secondly, they believe NOBODY knows them like they know themselves, and even if they will go to see someone for help, the entire session will turn out to be an interrogation time...with YOU being the victim of the questioning or accusations!

   Narcissists will often say things like "what does a shrink know about me?" "They are just in it for the money!" "Ok, we'll go, but just because YOU need mental help. I am just fine! You are the one who is so unhappy. I don't see why you can't just leave things alone."

   Years ago, when I first started DelusionDispeller outreach, I never would advocate or encourage people divorcing. Since I have met people and counseled them, I am a FIRM advocate of ending relationships with people who have the NPD diagnosis and traits. It is a lose-lose situation unless the narcissist can be totally isolated for a long period of time and re-learn how to care about someone else, learn to share, compromise, communicate non-defensively, and basically change his/her brain.

    I have yet to see a narcissist truly change long-term. I suppose some do, but I have never witnessed it in my life.

Grandiose Thinking of the Narcissist

Grandiose Thinking

Narcissists have delusions about being rich, famous, and adored. The best thing for you to do is to “humor” the narcissist without seeming like you realize their dreams are phony.  The narcissist is convinced that he really has achieved or will achieve his grand notions.  Often, but not always, the narcissist has claims of talents or ambitions of which he/she is incapable of or has no proof of either.

You Cannot Make a Narcissist Happy

As a caring person, you might feel like there is something different you can do to make your narcissistic partner happy. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make them be happy or satisfied, because this comes from within.  You need to allow the narcissist to “own” his/her behaviors, but don’t knock yourself out trying to please them.  Living with a person with this personality disorder of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is never easy or even “do-able” for most people.  I will generally advise people to leave if they find themselves with such types of abusers.  If you are married to or in a close relationship with a narcissist in which you are not able to leave, boundaries will be CRUCIAL for you to set and insist on, as well as having people the narcissist will be accountable to if possible. Easier said than done, of course, but necessary.

Narcissistic Egg and Sperm Donors (Because they are NOT Parents!)

Narcissistic parents are what I call “egg donors” or “sperm donors.” The types of narcissists will tell you that when they abuse you, it’s for “your own good.” They often compare you to your siblings, will ignore you, take credit for something you did or insult what you achieved.  They will passively-aggressively hurt you and then make fun of you for getting upset.

These types of narcissistic fiends are amused when you are afraid, get a thrill out of watching you react in horror to tactless comments that they make. They have no problem tormenting you in front of certain people, as long as you are aware that you are being harmed and the other person often does not catch on.  They can be very ruthless and sadistic in the way they treat children, as a child represents that very pure and innocent  self that they can not be.

Starving a child, physically abusing them, turning a sibling against a child, killing the child’s pet, ruining his/her property, are only some of the many ways the narcissist uses to gain control and domination over a child. This evil egg/sperm donor does not nurture or show compassion or care toward the child either.  Sometimes these children grow up to become narcissists themselves. Sadly, I became close with and was abused by one recently.

Narcissism in Families III

There are ways that can help you cope if you have to or choose to live with a narcissist.  You need to realize that the narcissist can NEVER meet your needs for companionship, protection, emotional connection, or love.  You need to become very self-sufficient because they will not do that job for you or for your children.

Having boundaries is a very important part of living with a narcissist.  Sadly, narcissists may not respect your boundaries, since they feel very entitled. This is why I generally advise people to leave if they can.  Enslavement is NEVER acceptable in a relationship. If the narcissist thinks you are their puppet or robot, they will use this to enforce the rule that they always come first and your needs do not count.

Support is crucial in your situation of living with the narcissistic family member.  You must surround yourself with as many stable-minded people as you can. A support group is an excellent idea for you to find people who understand what you are feeling and going through and who can help you find options.

Physical abuse is not ok, EVER. If he/she put their hands on you, OUT YOU GO!

Narcissism in Families II

Narcissists will bring confusion to the marriage and family. They will switch roles from victim to hero to martyr. One moment they might be bragging to people about how they made you what you are today, and the next moment, they might be saying they aren't feeling well, can't think straight, are depressed, feel so alone, etc.  They claim to be often misunderstood and feel like they are not like other people.

Criticism sends this type of person into a rage or confusion or depression.  The narcissist wants you to believe that the person they are showing you is the true creature, but it's not.  This human being learned to stuff his emotions and not let them resurface. Any time you "hit on" the fact that there is more than meets the eye with the narcissist, he will become very nervous and terrified; he will start to hurt you and fight you through his defenses.  Like a roach, he does not want light shined on him so he has to come out of hiding.

There is no true intimacy with a narcissist. They believe they are better than everyone else, feel no need to truly connect or share with another person.  If they are not treated as "the best" they will have a childish tantrum.

Narcissists have followers who are usually insecure, easily controlled, self-deprecators, having no boundaries.  The narcissist rewards or threatens their followers so they will stay by them and put up with their torment of them.  Some people have a "learned state of helplessness," so they believe they can NOT get away from them.

My ex-husband and I were together 23 years because I believed that my boundaries were in tact. After his affair, I decided to leave.  He and I are still on civil terms but he is still narcissistic. Rarely do they change their ways.

Narcissistic "Egg Donors" Were NEVER Your Mother

Narcissistic egg donors will use guilt and favoritism on children.  There is no “being good enough” to please a dissatisfied narcissist.  She lives according to her “writing” of reality so, no matter what the child says, she will insist that they are exaggerating, lying, embellishing, telling stories, or just that the child often makes up things.

This type of narcissist will do almost anything to keep a child stuck at home, unable to drive, live on his/her own, and will thwart any amount of self-confidence they see in the child.  They want to maintain a total dependence in the child on them, no matter how old that child becomes.  It’s all about keeping their supply source, never about what is best for the child.

Recap of October 20 thru 27

This past week, I shared about recovering from narcissistic abuse and the healing that needs to take place after the Post Traumatic Stress disorder that results from it. The importance of journaling was discussed, as well as an actual explanation about how to journal being discussed. We discussed what it feels like when the narcissist pulls the strings on us as if we were nothing more than puppets, and talked about how the narcissist reacts when the "puppet" makes decisions for itself and dares to protest the abuse. The ending of the narcissistic relationship was also evaluated and analyzed as far as the stages you may go through after your beloved narcissist decides he or she is done with you. Types of narcissists were explored, as we learned the behavioral characteristics of each type and found out that their issues belong to them, not us. We talked about how narcissists do not find contentment no matter how much we fall over ourselves trying to make them happy and fulfilled, and we discussed the hated child and the reactions he or she may exhibit due to their situation of abuse. We learned a little about how the narcissist continues coming back over and over again, because they are still trying to maintain the narcissistic supply source as long as they can. Next,I will share about narcissism in families.

Explanation About Egg Donors and Why They ARE NOT MOTHERS, Sorry.

Narcissists who give birth are NOT mothers. Here, I discuss the difference between a true mother and a narcissistic egg donor. Sadly, children and adult children want so badly to believe they are like “everyone else” who has a mother,that they are willing to call their abuser a mother too…or father. The truth is, there are certain traits and behaviors that depict a mother and if the person who “raised” you did not possess or exhibit them, but instead used the behaviors that were discussed first, they WERE NOT NOR ARE your mother.  I know that’s hard to hear but it is truth.  Other good truth is that you, as an adult do not NEED a mother either.  A healthy friend, aunt, leader, therapist, etc can be a great re-parenter for you.  If you are a child or teen, you still don’t need an mother.  When you ask for help because the egg donor is abusing you, you may be provided with a foster family or a place to be where your needs are met.  Mothers and Fathers do NOT harm their children, PERIOD! f the person who "are like "ue mother and a narcissistic, and will th

Narcissism in Families

The narcissistic spouse believes he is like his partner’s God, presents himself as superior, lacks remorse, feels entitles, blames his partner, lies, presents himself of being super busy and needed by people, has low self-esteem but presents a false-persona of him/herself, expects his partner to be a mind reader, is a people-studier so he knows what buttons to push.

When with a person like this, you need to remain calm and not overreact, realize that their projections on you do not mean that you are the guilty one.  You need to realize that it is them with the problem, not you.  You also need to understand that when you saw him “switch” from a nice, giving, loving person, he really did not switch…he was pretending to be “Mr Wonderful.” He never WAS the man of your dreams and she was never the woman of them either.  They rarely become whole unless they literally are removed from society and agree to look at their lives without anyone praising them.

The Bored Narcissist

The Bored Narcissist

How to Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

After being abused in general, a person needs time to heal, but being abused by a narcissist has the added element with it of mental, psychological torment that results in its victims having post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. Baby steps are needed in order to heal and recover from such abuse.

There are several methods of treatment that can be used to help a narcissistic abuse victim.  Journaling is one such method of treatment to help a narcissistically abused person.  Using questions such as Location? Feelings? What do you want to do? What did you do? How do you feel about your choice? You can work through on paper, the feelings that used to drive you toward the narcissistic person.

Learn how to start a recovery journal of your own right here:

The Narcissist's Puppet

The Narcissist's Puppet

Narcissists are “users” in a very real sense of the word. You are nothing more than an object to the narcissist. Puppets are a good example of this type of relationship. The narcissist pulls the “strings” to make the victim move and do what they want them to do.  This works well until the “puppet” realizes he/she is on the strings. At this point, the puppet-victim decides that this control is too tight and uncomfortable.  When this happens, the narcissist is both shocked and amazed that this seemingly inanimate object (you) dares to think for itself, do what it wants, and that its thoughts and actions do not match what the narcissist does or expects it to do.  The narcissist becomes enraged at this point and begins demanding the victim to comply “or else,” as well as using threats, manipulation, promises, or other tactics to get the victim back on the strings of control.

Conclusion: Take Some Kind of Positive Action

Using a watch with a second hand can help you work through making it through the seemingly endless moments after the one you cared about left you.  It is important to form new habits to replace the old ones.  A person will NOT be able to break old habits and stop wanting to be with their partner without having something to replace those old habits. 

Some experiments have determined that it takes about 21 days to make or break any habit.  It would be a great idea to cut off the thoughts about the narcissist in this same way.  Allow yourself a certain amount of time to dwell on things but then go do another new thing…see a movie, walk a dog, sing a song…anything. Eventually, your brain will attach to the new habits.

When you are through with a relationship, you may be tempted to curl up and die. DO NOT DO IT!  Take positive ACTION for your life and you will feel so much better.  Join a gym or a YMCA, pick up a new hobbie, get a pet, just do something!  As long as your mind is busy, you should have less time to obsess about what you’ve lost and put energy toward what you have gained.

Forgiveness Sets You Free!

Breaking up with, leaving, or losing an abusive narcissist can send you reeling! Your mind will do somersaults trying to make sense of it all.  You are going to feel like you did something wrong, could do something different than what you did, were not good enough, didn’t help the person enough, etc.  You will most likely go through various types of mourning stages such as: denial and realization, but eventually you will embrace acceptance,  and even eventually come to a point in which you release the abuser from your hatred and anger…this is forgiveness.  Forgiveness will help you bring positivity into your life and set your own heart and mind free!

Four Types of Narcissists

There are various types of narcissists. No matter what type you are dealing with, they wreak havoc in your life. From the ones who can't leave you alone, to the pathological liars and schemers, to the sexual assaulters and controlling punishers, these are people who believe you were born and bred for their selfish means. Narcissists of all types can be draining and dangerous...sometimes dangerous!

 Four types of Narcissists are:

1.) The Craving Narcissist: Needy, Clingy, Draining, Demanding
2.) The Paranoid Narcissist: Believe you are plotting against them, self-harmers
3.) The Manipulative Narcissist: Try to deceive people, Liars, Convincing, Conniving
4.) The Phallic Narcissist: Aggressive, Athletic, Show-offs, usually male women-haters

When the Narcissist Decides to Leave

When the Narcissist Decides to Leave

Narcissists like to remain seen as powerful, famous, notorious, or grand. If anyone comes along that dares to point out that they are normal, plain, human, or anything beneath their "ideal," the narcissist will become very edgy and angry.  He or she will immediately begin trying to get him/herself back into the most positive light possible.

The narcissist will cut off the person who decides to confront their behaviors and issues.  Unless the person in the narcissist's life keeps jumping through her hoops and falling over themselves to please her or him, there will be a price to pay for disappointing the abuser for sure.  The biggest price the narcissist can make his/her victim pay, would be to desert and abandon them...and so, they do.  How DARE you notice that the narcissist is not and was never perfect!

The Hated Child: Narcissist's Scapegoat/Target

The Hated Child: Narcissist's Scapegoat/Target

Most families have children in various positions. There is always the "black sheep" or the "favorite" in families, but in narcissistic families, this goes even deeper and encompasses the entire fabric of the family.

A hated child of a narcissist is subjected to abuse by a so-called parent that was supposed to love and care for him or her.  This child never was loved, protected, cared for, and may have been shamed and punished for things they did not do or for disappointing or embarassing their parent.

This child has high need for achievement and is a people-pleaser.  He or she begins to find ways to comfort and self-soothe with material possessions.  Often, such a child grows up having a high sex drive, because of equating sex with acceptance, closeness, and love.

The hated child will sometimes act out and get into trouble in order to get any type of attention.  They will often do things that are dangerous or mean to their siblings or others.

As adults, these children will often become pathological liars, emotionally distant, clingy, dependent, codependent, and insecure. 

The Bored Narcissist

Narcissists are rarely ever content or fulfilled. The become bored in life very quickly and seek out new things to entertain them.  As their victim, you will sense that there is an “endless pit” for you to fill for them, because there’s NEVER enough to make the narcissist happy or complete. You will find yourself falling over yourself to please them and get them to smile or laugh. You will feel drained and wearied by their constant demands and expectations, as well as from never seeming to be able to stay “one step ahead of” them. It’s hard to please the narcissist because they don’t even know what they want or need half the time and the other times, you will think you “nailed” it but you find out you somehow displeased and disappointed them. But, remember, it’s THEM with the problem, NOT YOU!

Defense Mechanisms of Coping with Narcissistic Abuse

Defense Mechanisms

When a person is abused, one of the ways they cope with life is by living through defense mechanisms.  One of these is called Withdrawal.

Withdrawal means that a person becomes quiet, ignores you, and even physically moves away from you.  The narcissist will become distant and aloof from you. Often, detachment, and seeming to look past or through you is a sign of withdrawing.

Insensitivity is another defense mechanism. This is felt in the sense of a "disconnect."  Gift-giving is a good indication of this, in that the narcissist will give very odd, unfitting gifts to you.  The narcissist will play the "come close, no, get away" borderline-type game.

Projection, is a defense mechanism in which the narcissist will actually accuse you of the very thing they do that is not nice.  They believe that, since they MUST be perfect at all times, YOU have to be the one that did the wrong thing, not them.

Besides the above defense mechanisms, narcissists will sometimes do exactly what people want them to do for a time, seeming to be codependent (but this will switch over to them being the controller), they may self-deprecate (put themselves down), they can be very self-sacrificing at first but this will change soon.

Children who are being raised by narcissists will look for "cues" from the parent's face.  If mom or dad smile, this means the child is good. If mom punishes, this means the child is bad.  This child grows into an adult who has black and white, all-good/all-bad thinking. This child learns that life involves performance to earn someone's affection.

The child of a narcissist may seek constant approval even as an adult, to the point of it becoming very annoying to their partner. They are still seeking that approval from their loved one, because that's how they learned that life was.

Being Idealized but then Devalued: A Typical Escape Tactic of a Narcissistic Abuser

Intense, short-term relationships are very common with narcissists. Often, the narcissist might say something that gives this information away, such as “I don’t have any close friends” or “they always leave me.”  Narcissistic behaviors are patterned and narcissists are generally found as the leaders of various groups, jobs, teaching institutions, and other situations in which a leader is required and admired.

Narcissists go from idealizing and praising the very ground you walk on to later on devaluing you, finding fault with things that beforehand impressed them, and putting you down often.  In order to justify deserting you, they must first “paint” you in the worst light possible.  Narcissists cannot handle feeling the guilt of having abused and abandoned you, which they are fully aware of, lurking beneath their phony façade, so they convince themselves that you were never what they had thought you were to begin with!

Narcissistic Objectivity

YOU ARE NOT HERE. I DO NOT SEE OR HEAR OR KNOW YOU.

Remember that you are not alone and there is hope regarding your situation!  If you are in a narcissistic relationship, you owe it to yourself to learn all you can about the signs of the disorder and how the behaviors operate.

The silent treatment is one form of punishment the narcissist might use with his/her victims.  The narcissist behaves as though you are no longer in the room or even on the planet. It is a tactic to manipulate and control you, as well as a punishment.  Perhaps you dared to question the narcissist or even point out a flaw in him or her.  He or she has no problem acting like you no longer are present at all.  To them, you are just like that vase on the shelf, the grass on the ground.  You are now an OBJECT to the narcissist.

Whatever you do, do NOT attempt to force the narcissist to talk to you or interact.  Let the narcissist live in his/her cocoon of silence without you and don’t show that it even phases you one bit.  By trying to get the narcissist to respond to you, you may place yourself in a situation in which the narcissist figures that he/she needs to increase the punishment on you.  He or she may resort to worse behaviors if this happens.

YOU ARE NOT AN OBJECT. If you are being abused, it’s time to TAKE ACTION! Contact the abuse, the Human Rights Commission, or anyone that is a safe person or place to get help.  You DID NOTHING TO DESERVE any mistreatment by the narcissist. You deserve respect, honor, and love.  Sadly, you will not find genuine care from a narcissistic person.  It may be time to move on elsewhere, leaving the narcissist to figure out his/her own issues if they so choose.

Narcissist Anger and Meltdowns

Don't Make Me Angry!

It is not uncommon for a narcissist to have an out and out meltdown when you decide to confront them.  They are very shocked when you start to see things that bother you about how they are behaving.  Their anger can quickly escalate into full blown rage and accusations toward you.  They do NOT appreciate being confronted or even questioned.

You can often see how the narcissist is processing thoughts, based on their body language. A cutting glare is only one way that this type of abuser can make you MELT in fear in their presence.  Often, the narcissist only needs to give a facial expression to get  their victim to cower and squirm; they may find this to be quite entertaining and therefore, worth doing often.

It is always your word against theirs, and since they usually abuse in private, nobody is likely to believe what a terribly abusive individual the narcissist is.  They are very subtle in their abuse when it serves their purpose and, especially when they want to hide what they are doing behind closed doors to you.

Narcissists rarely ever change, but if there is one who has the possibility of learning new ways, he or she will need to be totally isolated from all forms of narcissistic supply. You can probably see why this might be nearly impossible even if a narcissist were willing to attend counseling sessions.  Even the very act of a counselor analyzing the narcissist in an office, can be taken as a form of narcissistic supply by the person with the narcissistic personality disorder.

If possible and safe to do so, the best manner of dealing with narcissists is to NOT deal with them.  Find a way out or at least learn not to take their issues on as your own.  If seeking counseling for yourself, be sure to find a trauma specialist, not just any counselor, and don’t be afraid to ask the therapist if they are familiar with narcissistic abuse and also post traumatic stress disorder, because that is the situation you will find yourself in after abuse by a narcissistic individual.