Covert Narcissism

One type of narcissist is known as a “Covert” Narcissist. This type is similar to an outright narcissist but the covert tends to be more underhanded, behind-the scenes.  They tend to be passive-aggressive exploiters.  These people are vulnerable to stress and feel guilty about fantasizing about things they know they will most likely never have or be.  This guilt causes them to suppress their feelings more.  They are angry and envious and see others as weak and wimpy.  They want to be viewed as the hero or the charity worker.  When praised, the covert does not believe it is sincere; they view the one praising them as having alterior motives.  The tend to put themselves down through self-deprecation and admire people they look up to and also resent them at the same time.  Coverts want their victims to succeed yet resent them if they do, out of envy.  This type of narcissist can be explained by the following words: hostile

 exploitative

 never pleased

can't handle stress well

competitive

low self-concept

enviousof people yet hate them

rescuer complex

suspicious

feels unappreciated

puts self down

tend to live with overt narcissists

Victimized: Stuck in Servant Mode

One of the most disturbing and fascinating aspects of having sessions with adult victims of narcissistic abuse, either in their childhood homes or by boyfriends, husbands, wives, friends, bosses, etc, is that, often I meet people who are "stuck" in certain stages of development.

Many people are aware that when a child was molested, that person as an adult, may have childlike characteristics that stemmed from being harmed at that age, but some adult-children of abuse also are under-developed in other ways of their lives.

Sadly, abuse victims have believed the message that they have to "apologize for living and existing."  They have learned that what they do, who they are, what they think has no place being shared among people. They are convinced that they simply are on this planet to do the bidding of and meet the needs of other people who have more rights to be here than they.

If this belief continues long enough, it fuels the actions of abuse victims, to the point that they subconsciously attach to people looking for this "learned state of helpless belief and action" in them. This makes such a person a prime target of narcissists and "control freaks" as well as "sociopaths" at times.

The main solution to overcoming the tendency to be attractive to abusers, is to work on learning one's self-worth and right to "be." When a person believes he/she have no rights to live, to obtain things they want, to express themselves, they simply live for the other person, doing whatever it is that the 'stronger' one wants them to.  They learn to convince themselves that they are "good" because they have mastered meeting their controller's needs and even "second-guessing" exactly what they want. This makes them feel very clever, and yes, NEEDED...but it is a LIE...they are a HUMAN BEING, NOT a HUMAN DOING!

If you have been abused and you believe that your purpose and your only joy comes because you are consistently meeting the needs of others and have no needs or dreams of your own, you need help!  Sometimes it is ok to be "self-ish" and you NEED to be.  Your abusers taught you that your main reason for living and being allowed to be in their presence or the presence of others, is that you were a "good girl" or "good boy" based on serving THEM! This was NOT your reason for being put on this planet, in this world.  You need to seek a trauma therapist and find out which age you are stuck at, which beliefs are keeping you in this subservient, unhealthy position, and move forward to achieve YOUR goals, YOUR hopes, YOUR dreams and finding out who YOU are...just YOU!

What about Getting the Narcissist Professional Help? Will it Work?

   I am so familiar with wanting to "fix" and help a narcissist get over their issues. IT DOES NOT WORK! First of all, they don't respect therapists, secondly, they believe NOBODY knows them like they know themselves, and even if they will go to see someone for help, the entire session will turn out to be an interrogation time...with YOU being the victim of the questioning or accusations!

   Narcissists will often say things like "what does a shrink know about me?" "They are just in it for the money!" "Ok, we'll go, but just because YOU need mental help. I am just fine! You are the one who is so unhappy. I don't see why you can't just leave things alone."

   Years ago, when I first started DelusionDispeller outreach, I never would advocate or encourage people divorcing. Since I have met people and counseled them, I am a FIRM advocate of ending relationships with people who have the NPD diagnosis and traits. It is a lose-lose situation unless the narcissist can be totally isolated for a long period of time and re-learn how to care about someone else, learn to share, compromise, communicate non-defensively, and basically change his/her brain.

    I have yet to see a narcissist truly change long-term. I suppose some do, but I have never witnessed it in my life.

Narcissism in Families III

There are ways that can help you cope if you have to or choose to live with a narcissist.  You need to realize that the narcissist can NEVER meet your needs for companionship, protection, emotional connection, or love.  You need to become very self-sufficient because they will not do that job for you or for your children.

Having boundaries is a very important part of living with a narcissist.  Sadly, narcissists may not respect your boundaries, since they feel very entitled. This is why I generally advise people to leave if they can.  Enslavement is NEVER acceptable in a relationship. If the narcissist thinks you are their puppet or robot, they will use this to enforce the rule that they always come first and your needs do not count.

Support is crucial in your situation of living with the narcissistic family member.  You must surround yourself with as many stable-minded people as you can. A support group is an excellent idea for you to find people who understand what you are feeling and going through and who can help you find options.

Physical abuse is not ok, EVER. If he/she put their hands on you, OUT YOU GO!

Narcissistic "Egg Donors" Were NEVER Your Mother

Narcissistic egg donors will use guilt and favoritism on children.  There is no “being good enough” to please a dissatisfied narcissist.  She lives according to her “writing” of reality so, no matter what the child says, she will insist that they are exaggerating, lying, embellishing, telling stories, or just that the child often makes up things.

This type of narcissist will do almost anything to keep a child stuck at home, unable to drive, live on his/her own, and will thwart any amount of self-confidence they see in the child.  They want to maintain a total dependence in the child on them, no matter how old that child becomes.  It’s all about keeping their supply source, never about what is best for the child.

Recap of October 20 thru 27

This past week, I shared about recovering from narcissistic abuse and the healing that needs to take place after the Post Traumatic Stress disorder that results from it. The importance of journaling was discussed, as well as an actual explanation about how to journal being discussed. We discussed what it feels like when the narcissist pulls the strings on us as if we were nothing more than puppets, and talked about how the narcissist reacts when the "puppet" makes decisions for itself and dares to protest the abuse. The ending of the narcissistic relationship was also evaluated and analyzed as far as the stages you may go through after your beloved narcissist decides he or she is done with you. Types of narcissists were explored, as we learned the behavioral characteristics of each type and found out that their issues belong to them, not us. We talked about how narcissists do not find contentment no matter how much we fall over ourselves trying to make them happy and fulfilled, and we discussed the hated child and the reactions he or she may exhibit due to their situation of abuse. We learned a little about how the narcissist continues coming back over and over again, because they are still trying to maintain the narcissistic supply source as long as they can. Next,I will share about narcissism in families.

Explanation About Egg Donors and Why They ARE NOT MOTHERS, Sorry.

Narcissists who give birth are NOT mothers. Here, I discuss the difference between a true mother and a narcissistic egg donor. Sadly, children and adult children want so badly to believe they are like “everyone else” who has a mother,that they are willing to call their abuser a mother too…or father. The truth is, there are certain traits and behaviors that depict a mother and if the person who “raised” you did not possess or exhibit them, but instead used the behaviors that were discussed first, they WERE NOT NOR ARE your mother.  I know that’s hard to hear but it is truth.  Other good truth is that you, as an adult do not NEED a mother either.  A healthy friend, aunt, leader, therapist, etc can be a great re-parenter for you.  If you are a child or teen, you still don’t need an mother.  When you ask for help because the egg donor is abusing you, you may be provided with a foster family or a place to be where your needs are met.  Mothers and Fathers do NOT harm their children, PERIOD! f the person who "are like "ue mother and a narcissistic, and will th

Narcissism in Families

The narcissistic spouse believes he is like his partner’s God, presents himself as superior, lacks remorse, feels entitles, blames his partner, lies, presents himself of being super busy and needed by people, has low self-esteem but presents a false-persona of him/herself, expects his partner to be a mind reader, is a people-studier so he knows what buttons to push.

When with a person like this, you need to remain calm and not overreact, realize that their projections on you do not mean that you are the guilty one.  You need to realize that it is them with the problem, not you.  You also need to understand that when you saw him “switch” from a nice, giving, loving person, he really did not switch…he was pretending to be “Mr Wonderful.” He never WAS the man of your dreams and she was never the woman of them either.  They rarely become whole unless they literally are removed from society and agree to look at their lives without anyone praising them.

The Bored Narcissist

The Bored Narcissist

How to Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

After being abused in general, a person needs time to heal, but being abused by a narcissist has the added element with it of mental, psychological torment that results in its victims having post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. Baby steps are needed in order to heal and recover from such abuse.

There are several methods of treatment that can be used to help a narcissistic abuse victim.  Journaling is one such method of treatment to help a narcissistically abused person.  Using questions such as Location? Feelings? What do you want to do? What did you do? How do you feel about your choice? You can work through on paper, the feelings that used to drive you toward the narcissistic person.

Learn how to start a recovery journal of your own right here:

The Narcissist's Puppet

The Narcissist's Puppet

Narcissists are “users” in a very real sense of the word. You are nothing more than an object to the narcissist. Puppets are a good example of this type of relationship. The narcissist pulls the “strings” to make the victim move and do what they want them to do.  This works well until the “puppet” realizes he/she is on the strings. At this point, the puppet-victim decides that this control is too tight and uncomfortable.  When this happens, the narcissist is both shocked and amazed that this seemingly inanimate object (you) dares to think for itself, do what it wants, and that its thoughts and actions do not match what the narcissist does or expects it to do.  The narcissist becomes enraged at this point and begins demanding the victim to comply “or else,” as well as using threats, manipulation, promises, or other tactics to get the victim back on the strings of control.

Conclusion: Take Some Kind of Positive Action

Using a watch with a second hand can help you work through making it through the seemingly endless moments after the one you cared about left you.  It is important to form new habits to replace the old ones.  A person will NOT be able to break old habits and stop wanting to be with their partner without having something to replace those old habits. 

Some experiments have determined that it takes about 21 days to make or break any habit.  It would be a great idea to cut off the thoughts about the narcissist in this same way.  Allow yourself a certain amount of time to dwell on things but then go do another new thing…see a movie, walk a dog, sing a song…anything. Eventually, your brain will attach to the new habits.

When you are through with a relationship, you may be tempted to curl up and die. DO NOT DO IT!  Take positive ACTION for your life and you will feel so much better.  Join a gym or a YMCA, pick up a new hobbie, get a pet, just do something!  As long as your mind is busy, you should have less time to obsess about what you’ve lost and put energy toward what you have gained.

Forgiveness Sets You Free!

Breaking up with, leaving, or losing an abusive narcissist can send you reeling! Your mind will do somersaults trying to make sense of it all.  You are going to feel like you did something wrong, could do something different than what you did, were not good enough, didn’t help the person enough, etc.  You will most likely go through various types of mourning stages such as: denial and realization, but eventually you will embrace acceptance,  and even eventually come to a point in which you release the abuser from your hatred and anger…this is forgiveness.  Forgiveness will help you bring positivity into your life and set your own heart and mind free!

Four Types of Narcissists

There are various types of narcissists. No matter what type you are dealing with, they wreak havoc in your life. From the ones who can't leave you alone, to the pathological liars and schemers, to the sexual assaulters and controlling punishers, these are people who believe you were born and bred for their selfish means. Narcissists of all types can be draining and dangerous...sometimes dangerous!

 Four types of Narcissists are:

1.) The Craving Narcissist: Needy, Clingy, Draining, Demanding
2.) The Paranoid Narcissist: Believe you are plotting against them, self-harmers
3.) The Manipulative Narcissist: Try to deceive people, Liars, Convincing, Conniving
4.) The Phallic Narcissist: Aggressive, Athletic, Show-offs, usually male women-haters

When the Narcissist Decides to Leave

When the Narcissist Decides to Leave

Narcissists like to remain seen as powerful, famous, notorious, or grand. If anyone comes along that dares to point out that they are normal, plain, human, or anything beneath their "ideal," the narcissist will become very edgy and angry.  He or she will immediately begin trying to get him/herself back into the most positive light possible.

The narcissist will cut off the person who decides to confront their behaviors and issues.  Unless the person in the narcissist's life keeps jumping through her hoops and falling over themselves to please her or him, there will be a price to pay for disappointing the abuser for sure.  The biggest price the narcissist can make his/her victim pay, would be to desert and abandon them...and so, they do.  How DARE you notice that the narcissist is not and was never perfect!

The Hated Child: Narcissist's Scapegoat/Target

The Hated Child: Narcissist's Scapegoat/Target

Most families have children in various positions. There is always the "black sheep" or the "favorite" in families, but in narcissistic families, this goes even deeper and encompasses the entire fabric of the family.

A hated child of a narcissist is subjected to abuse by a so-called parent that was supposed to love and care for him or her.  This child never was loved, protected, cared for, and may have been shamed and punished for things they did not do or for disappointing or embarassing their parent.

This child has high need for achievement and is a people-pleaser.  He or she begins to find ways to comfort and self-soothe with material possessions.  Often, such a child grows up having a high sex drive, because of equating sex with acceptance, closeness, and love.

The hated child will sometimes act out and get into trouble in order to get any type of attention.  They will often do things that are dangerous or mean to their siblings or others.

As adults, these children will often become pathological liars, emotionally distant, clingy, dependent, codependent, and insecure. 

Being Idealized but then Devalued: A Typical Escape Tactic of a Narcissistic Abuser

Intense, short-term relationships are very common with narcissists. Often, the narcissist might say something that gives this information away, such as “I don’t have any close friends” or “they always leave me.”  Narcissistic behaviors are patterned and narcissists are generally found as the leaders of various groups, jobs, teaching institutions, and other situations in which a leader is required and admired.

Narcissists go from idealizing and praising the very ground you walk on to later on devaluing you, finding fault with things that beforehand impressed them, and putting you down often.  In order to justify deserting you, they must first “paint” you in the worst light possible.  Narcissists cannot handle feeling the guilt of having abused and abandoned you, which they are fully aware of, lurking beneath their phony façade, so they convince themselves that you were never what they had thought you were to begin with!