One of the most disturbing and fascinating aspects of having sessions with adult victims of narcissistic abuse, either in their childhood homes or by boyfriends, husbands, wives, friends, bosses, etc, is that, often I meet people who are "stuck" in certain stages of development.
Many people are aware that when a child was molested, that person as an adult, may have childlike characteristics that stemmed from being harmed at that age, but some adult-children of abuse also are under-developed in other ways of their lives.
Sadly, abuse victims have believed the message that they have to "apologize for living and existing." They have learned that what they do, who they are, what they think has no place being shared among people. They are convinced that they simply are on this planet to do the bidding of and meet the needs of other people who have more rights to be here than they.
If this belief continues long enough, it fuels the actions of abuse victims, to the point that they subconsciously attach to people looking for this "learned state of helpless belief and action" in them. This makes such a person a prime target of narcissists and "control freaks" as well as "sociopaths" at times.
The main solution to overcoming the tendency to be attractive to abusers, is to work on learning one's self-worth and right to "be." When a person believes he/she have no rights to live, to obtain things they want, to express themselves, they simply live for the other person, doing whatever it is that the 'stronger' one wants them to. They learn to convince themselves that they are "good" because they have mastered meeting their controller's needs and even "second-guessing" exactly what they want. This makes them feel very clever, and yes, NEEDED...but it is a LIE...they are a HUMAN BEING, NOT a HUMAN DOING!
If you have been abused and you believe that your purpose and your only joy comes because you are consistently meeting the needs of others and have no needs or dreams of your own, you need help! Sometimes it is ok to be "self-ish" and you NEED to be. Your abusers taught you that your main reason for living and being allowed to be in their presence or the presence of others, is that you were a "good girl" or "good boy" based on serving THEM! This was NOT your reason for being put on this planet, in this world. You need to seek a trauma therapist and find out which age you are stuck at, which beliefs are keeping you in this subservient, unhealthy position, and move forward to achieve YOUR goals, YOUR hopes, YOUR dreams and finding out who YOU are...just YOU!
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