3. Both Narcissists and Borderlines Are Passionate and Can Exhaust Their Victims

People with these disorders feel inadequate and are often needy perfectionistic and self or false-self focused. Both demand excessive attention but different types of this. Borderlines will pull away from you if they perceive that you reject them yet they will return to you out of fear of rejection and abandonment (I hate you. Don’t leave me!) They are self-punishers who internalize blame; this entails pills, cutting, self-harm, and eating disorders. Narcissists will use manipulation, rejection and anger if you are about to leave them. They use gaslighting (trying to make you feel insane) in order to control you and make you more dependent on them so you will do what they want. Narcissists want to be adored and want you for their slave, Borderlines want you to be their savior. Both people with BPD and NPD are very demanding, all-encompassing, passionate about getting what they want, and can cause the victim to become depressed, trapped, and miserable.

2 Borderlines Fear You Leaving and Narcissists Fear Losing You as Suppy

Both will make unreasonable demands and expectations, which will be frustrating for you because you will “fall over yourself” trying to avoid offending them (there is NO WAY NOT to offend them). If you try to leave a borderline, they will do almost anything to keep you, but a narcissist will most likely react to your leaving with rage or blame or just ignoring you. Narcissist’s body language is seen through “the glare” or a haughty presence of conceitedness. Borderlines tend to look dejected, depressed, insecure, and are verbal about feeling empty, alone, rejected. Narcissists are bored easily and restless. Borderlines are preoccupied with cutting, self-abuse, self-deprecation. Narcissists and Borderlines both treat people as objects, but where Narcissists are envious yet resentful of the person they envy, Borderlines are envious but feel like they could never be as good as whom they envy. Narcissists will “give” to earn trust so you will serve her/him and then control will be possible Borderlines will “give” gifts in order to produce enmeshment with you. Narcissists do not fear losing you because they need you, but rather because they will have to work hard to find another supply person. Borderlines actually FEAR losing you because they find their worth through your reactions to them.

Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders Compared

Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders Compared There can be both narcissistic and borderline traits in people, so it can be difficult to accurately and specifically diagnose both disorders. There are traits listed in the Psychological manual with which a basic diagnosis can be attempted. The problem with diagnosing a narcissist is that they are expert actors and can turn on and off their behaviors so the therapist is deceived. Narcissistic Personality contains a need for extreme admiration, lack of empathy, grandiose self, preoccupied with ideal love, believes he/she can only associate with people of high status, and expects impossible things from people. This person is envious but believes others are the ones envying him/her. Borderline Personality shows up in 5 traits of avoiding abandonment, self-injury, unstable interpersonal relationships, alternating idealizing/despising another person, impulsive spending, sex, substance use, driving, binging, eating disorders, suicidal threats and behaviors, depression, anxiety that lasts for several hours, feeling empty and angry with trouble controlling their anger, and shows in dissociative behaviors.

Recap of November 15-22

In the past week, I covered several topics related to narcissistic behaviors and how to tell if may be living with or in contact with a true narcissist.  I covered covert narcissism, which is an indirect form of behaviors that are narcissistic, such as passive-aggression and projection.  In this form of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist may not be loud or physically violent, but still may abuse in underhanded, sneaky ways. 

I also talked about whether narcissistic behavior is rational or not, as well as how the narcissist’s behavior cycle operates in a similar way to how a cat stalks, catches, kills, and deserts a mouse.  I talked about one type of narcissist known as the blame-shifter, shared some examples of the crazy-making behaviors of narcissists, and warned that you should NOT try to convince the narcissist that he or she is one.

More information on narcissists and narcissism coming soon, as well as other topics...Stay Tuned

Crazymaking Behaviors of the Narcissist

There are many behaviors of narcissists that can make you feel NUTS!  First, they are people that live almost obsessively/compulsively rigid and by routine. This helps the narcissist feel more secure, but it also makes him/her appear robotic.  It also makes them predictable after a while.

Narcissists are "affection-junkies" as long as the affection can be his/her supply source.  Once that supply ends or he senses it is about to, he will discard you after replacing you with someone else.  Underneath the mask of"Mr/Mrs Wonderful is a lot of anger, rage, revenge, and ugliness.  These traits are based on the defense mechanism that was built up over the years.

If you begin seeing through the narcissist, he/she will start smearing, mocking, criticizing, projecting onto you.  You will be victimized and subjected to much torment.  Don't be shocked if you've been with the narc for years, if suddenly they seem disinterested, bothered by your need for them, or even full of rage because you are "never satisfied." That is ABOUT THEM!  The narcissist NEVER CARED and still DOES NOT CARE about you. I know you think that you and they had this wonderful, magical love affair, marriage, relationship, but that's only in YOUR mind, and was never in theirs. They simply used you till they next best thing came along.

Are You Living With a Narcissist?

There are ways to know if you might be living with a narcissistic person. Guilt trips, constant criticism, false accusations, demand that you do everything their way, making their choices, and feeling like you never measure up, are ways to know that narcissism is present.

Do you feel devalued, controlled, at fault even for things you did not do? Do you feel almost like you do not exist or are invisible until you can do something for the other person?  Are you “tripping over” yourself to please the other person but never being able to?

Is the person you live with able to turn on and off emotions? Did they suddenly go from loving to abhorring you?  Do they seem to have no true care for you or other people? When they look at you, do you see void or emptiness behind their eyes?

Do conversations turn always back onto them? Does the person in your situation say tactless, rude, mean comments to or about you (even in front of others).

Does the other person throw temper tantrums, constantly seem to be competing with you? Tease you mercilessly and seem to find great enjoyment with this or just not care that you find it irritating and invasive?

What is HEALTHY NARCISSISM?

Clear boundaries of self and respecting boundaries of others, desire to do your best, desire to be accepted and loved.

radio interview: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/othersideoflife/2013/03/21/dark-heart-wounded-pastexposing-a-narcissist

How Do You Tell a Narcissist He/She Is One? You Don’t!

N’s cannot handle you telling them they have a flaw of any kind. They do not even appreciate your “concern” for them, and will assume you are accusing them of almost being a serial killer or some horrendous thing.  They do not even have a reference for “compromise” or “working together” on changing behaviors.  It will not work for you to try to be their therapist at all!

Don’t be surprised if the narcissist is well able to see their own flaws in other people but not in themselves; they learned how to project and displace their own issues very well a long time ago.   In fact, if you have noticed any major changes in the narcissist in your relationship, chances are he/she are not a true, malignant narcissist, because those types do not change without extensive help from people that specialize in treating  their issues.

Cat n Mouse Catnip Game

When the narcissist becomes bored with his/her supply source, the victim (supply person) is smacked around (verbally or maybe physically) and then the narcissist finds a new supply person and tosses aside the old supply person.

It is out of sight out of mind for the narcissist and erases the supply person from their mind and life.  It is what DISILLUSION means…that awful feeling in which you are asking yourself. “

Is The Behavior of the Narcissist Rational?

Yes, if you consider the fact that this person’s main drive in life is false-self protection.

Narcissists see people like cars. Once it breaks down, it’s time to trade it in for a new model. With people, this means that once the supply source no longer flatters, adores, pleases the narcissist, it’s time to switch supply sources. This is the time you will notice the narcissist suddenly being upset with things about you that used to fascinate and thrill them, and then, you will find yourself being out of the picture and the new source being the one bragged about by the narcissist.

Covert Narcissism

One type of narcissist is known as a “Covert” Narcissist. This type is similar to an outright narcissist but the covert tends to be more underhanded, behind-the scenes.  They tend to be passive-aggressive exploiters.  These people are vulnerable to stress and feel guilty about fantasizing about things they know they will most likely never have or be.  This guilt causes them to suppress their feelings more.  They are angry and envious and see others as weak and wimpy.  They want to be viewed as the hero or the charity worker.  When praised, the covert does not believe it is sincere; they view the one praising them as having alterior motives.  The tend to put themselves down through self-deprecation and admire people they look up to and also resent them at the same time.  Coverts want their victims to succeed yet resent them if they do, out of envy.  This type of narcissist can be explained by the following words: hostile

 exploitative

 never pleased

can't handle stress well

competitive

low self-concept

enviousof people yet hate them

rescuer complex

suspicious

feels unappreciated

puts self down

tend to live with overt narcissists

Recap of November 7- November 14

RECAP In the past week, we discussed the grandiose thinking of the narcissist, in which he or she sees themselves achieving things they truly haven’t, or believes that they are already in a position of power over a group when they are not, just to name a few examples. Also discussed were the facts that narcissists will never truly be happy and that just because you grew up in a house with 2 people who got together and shared an egg and sperm that became you, does NOT mean they are defined as “father” or “mother.” It is normal for people to want to believe they had parents, but there are some humans that just do not deserve the honor of those titles!

Entitlement of the Narcissist

Entitlement of the Narcissist Narcissists believe “the world (and anyone else) owes them a living!” but when you need anything from them, they are too busy, can’t be bothered, etc. Boundaries are very important in any relationship and if you are the only one giving and giving, there is an imbalance in your relationship. That would be a dictatorship, not a friendship or relationship. It’s time to look at your own self-worth and expect it to be respected and honored. If you can’t be honored and respected, it’s time to get out and move on!

Victimized: Stuck in Servant Mode

One of the most disturbing and fascinating aspects of having sessions with adult victims of narcissistic abuse, either in their childhood homes or by boyfriends, husbands, wives, friends, bosses, etc, is that, often I meet people who are "stuck" in certain stages of development.

Many people are aware that when a child was molested, that person as an adult, may have childlike characteristics that stemmed from being harmed at that age, but some adult-children of abuse also are under-developed in other ways of their lives.

Sadly, abuse victims have believed the message that they have to "apologize for living and existing."  They have learned that what they do, who they are, what they think has no place being shared among people. They are convinced that they simply are on this planet to do the bidding of and meet the needs of other people who have more rights to be here than they.

If this belief continues long enough, it fuels the actions of abuse victims, to the point that they subconsciously attach to people looking for this "learned state of helpless belief and action" in them. This makes such a person a prime target of narcissists and "control freaks" as well as "sociopaths" at times.

The main solution to overcoming the tendency to be attractive to abusers, is to work on learning one's self-worth and right to "be." When a person believes he/she have no rights to live, to obtain things they want, to express themselves, they simply live for the other person, doing whatever it is that the 'stronger' one wants them to.  They learn to convince themselves that they are "good" because they have mastered meeting their controller's needs and even "second-guessing" exactly what they want. This makes them feel very clever, and yes, NEEDED...but it is a LIE...they are a HUMAN BEING, NOT a HUMAN DOING!

If you have been abused and you believe that your purpose and your only joy comes because you are consistently meeting the needs of others and have no needs or dreams of your own, you need help!  Sometimes it is ok to be "self-ish" and you NEED to be.  Your abusers taught you that your main reason for living and being allowed to be in their presence or the presence of others, is that you were a "good girl" or "good boy" based on serving THEM! This was NOT your reason for being put on this planet, in this world.  You need to seek a trauma therapist and find out which age you are stuck at, which beliefs are keeping you in this subservient, unhealthy position, and move forward to achieve YOUR goals, YOUR hopes, YOUR dreams and finding out who YOU are...just YOU!

What about Getting the Narcissist Professional Help? Will it Work?

   I am so familiar with wanting to "fix" and help a narcissist get over their issues. IT DOES NOT WORK! First of all, they don't respect therapists, secondly, they believe NOBODY knows them like they know themselves, and even if they will go to see someone for help, the entire session will turn out to be an interrogation time...with YOU being the victim of the questioning or accusations!

   Narcissists will often say things like "what does a shrink know about me?" "They are just in it for the money!" "Ok, we'll go, but just because YOU need mental help. I am just fine! You are the one who is so unhappy. I don't see why you can't just leave things alone."

   Years ago, when I first started DelusionDispeller outreach, I never would advocate or encourage people divorcing. Since I have met people and counseled them, I am a FIRM advocate of ending relationships with people who have the NPD diagnosis and traits. It is a lose-lose situation unless the narcissist can be totally isolated for a long period of time and re-learn how to care about someone else, learn to share, compromise, communicate non-defensively, and basically change his/her brain.

    I have yet to see a narcissist truly change long-term. I suppose some do, but I have never witnessed it in my life.

Grandiose Thinking of the Narcissist

Grandiose Thinking

Narcissists have delusions about being rich, famous, and adored. The best thing for you to do is to “humor” the narcissist without seeming like you realize their dreams are phony.  The narcissist is convinced that he really has achieved or will achieve his grand notions.  Often, but not always, the narcissist has claims of talents or ambitions of which he/she is incapable of or has no proof of either.

You Cannot Make a Narcissist Happy

As a caring person, you might feel like there is something different you can do to make your narcissistic partner happy. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make them be happy or satisfied, because this comes from within.  You need to allow the narcissist to “own” his/her behaviors, but don’t knock yourself out trying to please them.  Living with a person with this personality disorder of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is never easy or even “do-able” for most people.  I will generally advise people to leave if they find themselves with such types of abusers.  If you are married to or in a close relationship with a narcissist in which you are not able to leave, boundaries will be CRUCIAL for you to set and insist on, as well as having people the narcissist will be accountable to if possible. Easier said than done, of course, but necessary.

Narcissistic Egg and Sperm Donors (Because they are NOT Parents!)

Narcissistic parents are what I call “egg donors” or “sperm donors.” The types of narcissists will tell you that when they abuse you, it’s for “your own good.” They often compare you to your siblings, will ignore you, take credit for something you did or insult what you achieved.  They will passively-aggressively hurt you and then make fun of you for getting upset.

These types of narcissistic fiends are amused when you are afraid, get a thrill out of watching you react in horror to tactless comments that they make. They have no problem tormenting you in front of certain people, as long as you are aware that you are being harmed and the other person often does not catch on.  They can be very ruthless and sadistic in the way they treat children, as a child represents that very pure and innocent  self that they can not be.

Starving a child, physically abusing them, turning a sibling against a child, killing the child’s pet, ruining his/her property, are only some of the many ways the narcissist uses to gain control and domination over a child. This evil egg/sperm donor does not nurture or show compassion or care toward the child either.  Sometimes these children grow up to become narcissists themselves. Sadly, I became close with and was abused by one recently.

Narcissism in Families III

There are ways that can help you cope if you have to or choose to live with a narcissist.  You need to realize that the narcissist can NEVER meet your needs for companionship, protection, emotional connection, or love.  You need to become very self-sufficient because they will not do that job for you or for your children.

Having boundaries is a very important part of living with a narcissist.  Sadly, narcissists may not respect your boundaries, since they feel very entitled. This is why I generally advise people to leave if they can.  Enslavement is NEVER acceptable in a relationship. If the narcissist thinks you are their puppet or robot, they will use this to enforce the rule that they always come first and your needs do not count.

Support is crucial in your situation of living with the narcissistic family member.  You must surround yourself with as many stable-minded people as you can. A support group is an excellent idea for you to find people who understand what you are feeling and going through and who can help you find options.

Physical abuse is not ok, EVER. If he/she put their hands on you, OUT YOU GO!

Narcissism in Families II

Narcissists will bring confusion to the marriage and family. They will switch roles from victim to hero to martyr. One moment they might be bragging to people about how they made you what you are today, and the next moment, they might be saying they aren't feeling well, can't think straight, are depressed, feel so alone, etc.  They claim to be often misunderstood and feel like they are not like other people.

Criticism sends this type of person into a rage or confusion or depression.  The narcissist wants you to believe that the person they are showing you is the true creature, but it's not.  This human being learned to stuff his emotions and not let them resurface. Any time you "hit on" the fact that there is more than meets the eye with the narcissist, he will become very nervous and terrified; he will start to hurt you and fight you through his defenses.  Like a roach, he does not want light shined on him so he has to come out of hiding.

There is no true intimacy with a narcissist. They believe they are better than everyone else, feel no need to truly connect or share with another person.  If they are not treated as "the best" they will have a childish tantrum.

Narcissists have followers who are usually insecure, easily controlled, self-deprecators, having no boundaries.  The narcissist rewards or threatens their followers so they will stay by them and put up with their torment of them.  Some people have a "learned state of helplessness," so they believe they can NOT get away from them.

My ex-husband and I were together 23 years because I believed that my boundaries were in tact. After his affair, I decided to leave.  He and I are still on civil terms but he is still narcissistic. Rarely do they change their ways.

Narcissistic "Egg Donors" Were NEVER Your Mother

Narcissistic egg donors will use guilt and favoritism on children.  There is no “being good enough” to please a dissatisfied narcissist.  She lives according to her “writing” of reality so, no matter what the child says, she will insist that they are exaggerating, lying, embellishing, telling stories, or just that the child often makes up things.

This type of narcissist will do almost anything to keep a child stuck at home, unable to drive, live on his/her own, and will thwart any amount of self-confidence they see in the child.  They want to maintain a total dependence in the child on them, no matter how old that child becomes.  It’s all about keeping their supply source, never about what is best for the child.

Recap of October 20 thru 27

This past week, I shared about recovering from narcissistic abuse and the healing that needs to take place after the Post Traumatic Stress disorder that results from it. The importance of journaling was discussed, as well as an actual explanation about how to journal being discussed. We discussed what it feels like when the narcissist pulls the strings on us as if we were nothing more than puppets, and talked about how the narcissist reacts when the "puppet" makes decisions for itself and dares to protest the abuse. The ending of the narcissistic relationship was also evaluated and analyzed as far as the stages you may go through after your beloved narcissist decides he or she is done with you. Types of narcissists were explored, as we learned the behavioral characteristics of each type and found out that their issues belong to them, not us. We talked about how narcissists do not find contentment no matter how much we fall over ourselves trying to make them happy and fulfilled, and we discussed the hated child and the reactions he or she may exhibit due to their situation of abuse. We learned a little about how the narcissist continues coming back over and over again, because they are still trying to maintain the narcissistic supply source as long as they can. Next,I will share about narcissism in families.

Explanation About Egg Donors and Why They ARE NOT MOTHERS, Sorry.

Narcissists who give birth are NOT mothers. Here, I discuss the difference between a true mother and a narcissistic egg donor. Sadly, children and adult children want so badly to believe they are like “everyone else” who has a mother,that they are willing to call their abuser a mother too…or father. The truth is, there are certain traits and behaviors that depict a mother and if the person who “raised” you did not possess or exhibit them, but instead used the behaviors that were discussed first, they WERE NOT NOR ARE your mother.  I know that’s hard to hear but it is truth.  Other good truth is that you, as an adult do not NEED a mother either.  A healthy friend, aunt, leader, therapist, etc can be a great re-parenter for you.  If you are a child or teen, you still don’t need an mother.  When you ask for help because the egg donor is abusing you, you may be provided with a foster family or a place to be where your needs are met.  Mothers and Fathers do NOT harm their children, PERIOD! f the person who "are like "ue mother and a narcissistic, and will th

Narcissism in Families

The narcissistic spouse believes he is like his partner’s God, presents himself as superior, lacks remorse, feels entitles, blames his partner, lies, presents himself of being super busy and needed by people, has low self-esteem but presents a false-persona of him/herself, expects his partner to be a mind reader, is a people-studier so he knows what buttons to push.

When with a person like this, you need to remain calm and not overreact, realize that their projections on you do not mean that you are the guilty one.  You need to realize that it is them with the problem, not you.  You also need to understand that when you saw him “switch” from a nice, giving, loving person, he really did not switch…he was pretending to be “Mr Wonderful.” He never WAS the man of your dreams and she was never the woman of them either.  They rarely become whole unless they literally are removed from society and agree to look at their lives without anyone praising them.