As I was watching a Dr Phil episode, which I would like anyone reading this to view, I realized that the response of this girl reminded me of my daughter, my former mentor, and some other people that tried to use narcissistic tactics to control and manipulate me.  This is what people don't see in public, the face that is shown behind closed doors, the hideous creature that stays hidden from plain view and only lurks in the recesses of privacy with their victims.


Next time someone tells you about being abused by a narcissist or controlling person, BELIEVE THEM PLEASE! Look at the look on this girl's face when she says "I don't like to be disrespected," and now picture your friend, family member, acquaintance, who seems either so STRONG AND UNSHAKEABLE that it's almost robotic, or TIMID AND SCARED OF HER/HIS OWN SHADOW...and realize WHAT WE ARE SEEING AND EXPERIENCING, THE NARCISSIST NEVER SHOWS YOU!!!


Believe the victims. They are voiceless but they ARE BEING ABUSED!


~Voice of the Voiceless

Dr Phil

God Works in HUMOROUS ways too!

Most people have heard the cliche "God works in mysterious ways."  Did you know though, that He also works in funny, humorous ways too?

This morning I had a not-so-nice contact with a toxic person in my life. They proceeded to tell me my fiancee is a piece of crap and that they felt if we married my life would be ruined.  I was feeling so hurt, rejected, unsupported, and just really LOW.

I turned on some videos by Susan Powter (of all people).  All she said on the video was "how about looking at whatever the he** that green leafy thing is and trying some of that!" I LAUGHED SO HARD at her candid way of talking. I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO needed that this morning.

God works in funny, humorous ways indeed!

Smile cause someone out there DOES love you, really!

~Laura

Church Time

All I can say is that I look so forward to church.  Unfortunately, I may have encountered a narcissist there too. My point is, they are EVERYWHERE, especially in authority positions.  You can rest assured I will not be getting "chummy" with the church-going N any moreso than the ones that aren't spiritual. The N that almost did me in was a ministers daughter and minister herself.  No thank you, guru!

Please, realize that, even if someone claims to be something, it does not guarantee that they are.  People can tell you anything about themselves, but until you get up close and personal, you will never really KNOW.  For anyone that wants to quote the "but Jesus loved people and ate with sinners" I have some info for you too...Jesus called the narcissists of his day "white-washed sepulchres full of DEAD MEN'S BONES."  In other words, NO Jesus did not just go around spreading nothing but love and appreciation wherever he trod. He was very UP FRONT when he encountered abusive, self-absorbed, punishers.  Those were known as pharisees but a narcissist by any other name is still a narcissist!

Have a wonderful day today FREE OF THE FALSE-SELF ABSORBED in your life and church!

~L

Discussing Codependency

Recently, I have been reading posts about codependency not being an accurate label for people that have been stuck with narcissistic relationships.

I personally have always thought that the word itself does not depict what goes on with extreme caretakers.  In fact, why don't we call it "toxic caretaking" or something along those lines. Anything with the word "dependency" in it seems to indicate almost a "clinginess" to a toxic host.  Co- means "with" so what they are labeling people as is "with clinginess on another person" which would actually be more of an addiction to a person.

Actual "codependent" behavior means that a person is one that takes care of another person to the detriment of her normal life, friends, family, desires, hobbies, job, responsibilities.  That is not the same thing as being extremely addicted to a person.  One is a word that indicates "doing" and the other means "being," from how I look at it.

In my personal case, I was not N's caretaker yet I was addicted to her approval.  I was more of an inverted narcissist I think than a codependent.  I think a codep relationship could describe a person that refuses to put her parent into nursing care because she feels obligated to put her life on hold to try to help, but does not have the ability to help the parent as well as the nursing facility could.

This is just my view and I'm open to other viewpoints.

~

Free At Last...Almost!

The reason I said "Almost" in my title for this blog, is that I am not sure we are every totally FREE from the effects the narcissist's abuse had on us.  I am a "free indeed" type of spiritual believer too, but I think the damage that narcissists do really lasts a lifetime in the sense that we will have our "radar" out as long as we live, to avoid becoming their prey again.  At least, I know "I" will!

So, how did I finally at least get to the point that my ptsd symptoms were not so strong that they interfered with my life?  It was long, it took 6 years, it was a process and it's still going on.

After n lady got done with her insidious abuse of me, she gave me a car to drive 6 hours home in.  I cried and sobbed all the way home, screaming at times, pounding the steering wheel and yelling out "WHY GOD WHY? We were supposed to be going on a mission trip together! We were partners! We were BEST FRIENDS! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS!"  To say I was feeling devastated would be a huge understatement. No, this time it was deeper than that. I was DISILLUSIONED. My best definition of this would be when you ask yourself in a dazed-state "did that REALLY just happen? did I actually LIVE that nightmare?  Am I here? Am I alive? Am I gonna be ok?"  All those questions raced through my mind as I drove back home.

When I finally parked and got out of the car, my 10 year old daughter came out to greet me (I had been begging her to pray for me over the phone while at the n's house).  I fell into her arms sobbing and exhausted.  Eventually, I went in the house and the rest is a blur until the next morning.  That morning, I woke up feeling extremely confused, numb, defeated, disillusioned, and WANTING REVENGE!  I wanted to MAKE that woman FEEL SOMETHING! It wasn't so bad that she hurt me while I was with her, but that, no matter what the abuses she perpetrated on me, she just did not seem to feel any LASTING remorse.  Oh yes, she whined and poured on fake tears about how she KNEW she had mistreated me and that GOD was not happy with her, but there was something so lacking in her words, her body language...and especially realizing this was all going on at the same time as she was replacing me with my former best friend that she claimed she had wanted nothing to do with.

I went online, opened a chat room and began exposing everything she did to me, telling people she was not whom she claimed she was, and warning them to steer clear.  I did this till her husband called and threatened me and then she called and asked me to be sure this was something God wanted me to do.  Again, I felt frustrated, confused, and I stopped the chat room even though people were coming in and THANKING me for helping them to know they were not alone, not crazy, and that there really WERE people like this in the world.  Many people told me "well maybe you shouldn't have mentioned them by NAME" but let me let you all in on a little secret; once you are abused, you could CARE LESS about that stuff. You want the WORLD TO WAKE UP AND HEAR YOUR CRIES and you want to WARN PEOPLE to stay away from that family, those people, all that abuse that goes on BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.  So, you name names and you take back your power and you give the N the message of "YOU WILL NOT KEEP ME QUIET EVER AGAIN!"

Since I no longer allowed myself this forum to gain back "my power" I had to find other ways to heal.  I went to a mental health clinic, was put on medicine, and eventually read and APPLIED my way through a book called "How To Break Your Addiction To A Person."  I also found Sam Vaknin's site and learned that I had just been abused by a narcissist, which was actually once a little girl that had also been neglected and abused by her family and by strangers.  This little girl still lived inside the narcissist and would come out from time to time to "play" with me.  Then, other times, the abusive mother of that little girl had come to punish me.  On the outside we had looked like 2 grown adult women, but the actual narcissistic dynamic going on would have caused high schoolers to BLUSH!  Once I learned what had just happened to me, I determined to learn all I could about it. I browsed websites, watched videos and then began making videos to help other people. I went back to college, got my BA degree in Psychology, divorced my narcissistic husband, and decided that my life would be lived to point out this form of abuse and to help the victims come to a place of peace. I have even pointed some narcissists in the direction of getting help!  I care about people and I believe my love for human beings, especially victimized ones, is the reason I've been able to start my own healing process and to help the voiceless ones find their voices!


My Videos

just a thought before bed

There are usually warning signs or "red flags" before a narcissist shows his/her true colors.  One thing I have found to be true for myself, is that if I am about to enter a narcissistic or borderline personality disorder relationship again, it will usually begin very quickly and feel extremely intense, complete with gifts given, lots of laughter and terms of endearment passed between us.  Once things seem like they are getting very intricate and close, I can generally either count on the narcissist to become demanding toward me, or I can expect my new friend to suddenly feel she/he needs "time and space."  I am not saying that every time this happens, I am most likely dealing with a narcissist or borderline, but I am saying that it is a common indication if the relationship did not start out healthy, that you might be dealing with a narcisssist!  Remember this...a true relationship is not going to become close during the first week you move in with him/her, but will progress gradually for both.

I Wish Mom Would Have Told Me...

I only wish my mother would have warned me.  After my own narcissistic abuse, I remember thinking that I wished my mom would have said something to me along these lines when she was telling me about "that big world out there."  She never told me that there were some people that the "typical" type of handling just would not work with!

If only she could have said something like "Honey, I know I have told you that as long as you are kind to others they will be kind to you, and I know I said that each person deserves respect and love and that boys only tease you cause they like you, and people only put you down because they don't know how to get close to you as your friend so they try for attention in other ways, but at some point you might run into people who do not "fit" the typical "human traits" that are familiar and enjoyable to you.  You might meet a woman that has weird fantasies about being admired by the entire world and who thinks you should join her in making that happen. You might run across a boyfriend who views you as nothing more than an "object" to use for sex or to wait on him hand and foot without question or resistance.  Maybe one of your female friends will seem like she adores you one minute but then, at some point when another lady friend comes along, she will begin calling you names, telling you she has no idea why she ever put up with you as her friend, and will decide that this new female will be more "suited" to what she is looking for.  At some point, a human being out there...the nicer you are to them, the crueller they will be toward you.  You will encounter people that have no empathy and will insult and mistreat you and not even care that you are crying or hurt by their words; in fact, the more upset you become, the more entertained they will be.  You will meet folks that use and abuse people and take credit for things that other people have accomplished as if they did all the work... daughter, these people are called NARCISSISTIC and the extreme cases may even have a disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder or be Psychopaths. You need to STAY AWAY from these people or GET AWAY once you have accidentally encountered them.  If you can't get out of the situations with them, remember WHO YOU ARE! REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE UNIQUE, INDIVIDUAL AND IMPORTANT regardless of who you are with, what they say about you or who they demand you to become.  You have the right to say no, to make choices to BE YOU!  Never stand for someone taking your individuality from you and never keep secrets that could ultimately destroy you.  You need to always know where you came from, that you are loved, and that nobody has control over you without using force or manipulation, unless you give it to them

These are only SOME of the words I wish mom would have said to me, but why didn't she? Well, first of all, my step-dad had a personality disorder, several of them, but we never even HEARD of such a thing back in those days. We just thought dad was "odd" and we put up with his idiosyncrasies and abuse.  Years later, after dad passed on, we all realized what we had just gone through for years and I think, in our own ways, we determined not to repeat those experiences with our spouses, girl/boyfriends, bosses, and friends. That was a good thing!  Mom didn't tell me because Mom didn't know.  Nobody had heard of NPD in those days and nobody wanted to believe a person could truly be as cold as one of these types are.

And, even though after all of my experiences I was determined not to repeat what I had lived in my childhood, I ended up doing just that! I married a narcissist, was mentored by a female narcissist and a woman with borderline personality disorder and it almost DESTROYED me!  Next post I will talk about how I got free and healed from it all!

What if N is the parent of your child's friend?

Here is a situation that seems so impossible that I do not know what to do.  My daughter has a friend whose mother appears to be very narcissist indeed.  Everything the child does is all about reflecting well on the mother, the child is punished when she tries to get closer with my daughter (mother fearing losing control of child), there is a definite lack of empathy, a favoritism of the "golden child" and scapegoating of my daughter's friend, the typical facial features common to narcissists, such as the wide-mouthed grin, the public false persona, the dominating over her partners, almost the whole 9 yards are showing loud and clear and red flags have been there for me from the "git go" with the lady.


This is the problem though, besides the obvious facts that the daughter of this person is being mentally, psychologically and possibly otherwise abused, if I report her, she will retaliate by punishing her daughter with disallowing her to hang out with her friend (my daughter).  If I don't report it, the abuse will continue.  Even if I do report it, most likely, the authorities will want to see visible scars on the child and will return her to the mother to endure possibly WORSE things!


I think my only hope is to EDUCATE the girl to understand what a healthy family is, to teach her that she is not doing anything to DESERVE the mistreatment, and to help her realize the mother is most likely mentally ill.


I am totally open to other suggestions if you think there is something else I'm missing here.  Help?

"My name is Laura, and I'm a person-holic"

Most people know about addictions. There are so many kinds, like smoking, drinking, gambling, eating, even shopping...but, did you know that you could actually be addicted to a person?  I was for YEARS!  Let me share:


When I was three years old, my dad left me crying on my front porch after he had called me on the phone and told me we would spend the weekend going to an amusement park, then to my grandmothers, like we had done so many other times during his visitation.  He never showed up that day or other days for years till I was in high school! I only found this out years later when my mom told me she thought that's why I felt such loss in my life as an adult.


This formed my longing to have a person stay "steady" in my life at all times, and the fear that I might lose every "main" person in my life. It also shaped my person addiction that I would battle for years.  From that moment on, I found myself always needing to have "that 1 best friend" in my life or I did not feel like a whole person.


On top of this, my mom remarried when I was 7 years old, and by the time I was a teenager my step-dad's mental illness began showing it's ugly head. He had symptoms of a lot of illnesses, but the main one we all suffered from was his obsessive-compulsive disorder and personality disorder.  Life was insane in my house, consisting of dad's hoarding junk, being so perfectionistic that the chores (in his eyes) were never done good enough, having to accept weird, disturbing, intrusive behaviors from him, getting beat, having to pretend we were the "happy family" in public, etc.  It set me up for a life of being ocd and struggling with odd behaviors in myself too.


I tended to befriend authority figures...the priest at church, a teacher at school, a counselor, any authority figure.  The pattern was that I would choose the person, pour my entire life into them through writing them letters, doing favors for them, observing their behaviors, and even immitating them so much that I could almost be their "cloned twin."  In one case, I actually gained weight on purpose, learned to play the keyboard, and changed my voice so I could be like a pastor's wife I adored.  It was a sick way of relating to a person, but it had become an addiction, a compulsion with me to always have and "never lose" that one main person from my life.


As an adult, this became known as "stalking" and "toxic behavior."  I was excommunicated from churches, shunned by people, seen as mentally unstable at times, and basically not a well-liked person overall. I was clingy like a leech toward the person of my affections, I was overbearing and insistent that I be with that person all the time, and when I wasn't with the person, I was busy drawing portraits of them in notebooks, daydreaming about them, and incessantly talking about them.  Like I said, it was a SICK obsession!  Some people thought I was a lesbian when the person I was obsessed with happened to be a woman.


I knew something was wrong with my behavior but I didn't know how to stop the cycle of it nor where it had come from.  Nobody else that I talked to could figure out what was going on with me either!


Finally, after getting entangled with some borderline personalities and narcissists online, I came across some books that would radically change me and open my eyes to what started the whole situation in the first place.  Of course, the Bible was a book I had been reading all along, and I did find some answers in there to begin with, but since the obsessions in my life often happened to be ministers, reading more scriptures simply cemented my unhealthy relationships to those people.  No, the books that I believe God used to break me of this extremely unhealthy pattern in my life were: The Language of Letting Go, Beattie, and How To Break Your Addiction to a Person, Halpern.


On a few of my videos on my youtube channel DelusionDispeller you can find out more about Halpern's book that helped me.


I learned how to journal my feelings, how to actually "see" my addictive behaviors, and how to STOP it in its tracks!


You do not have to stay in your addiction and codependency cycle. There is a way out. I found it and you can too!

Rhianna and Other Sad Situations

I was watching Diane Sawyer's interview with Rhianna a moment ago and my heart just broke for her.  I am wondering, is she seeing a therapist? Getting cognitive or dialetic behavioral therapy to help her process what happened, why, and to help her get through this?

As I look into her eyes, I see a sense of deep loss that started as a child when she tried to prevent her father from abusing her mother.  I hear a helplessness in her voice as she talks about the abuse she went through at the hands of Chris Brown.

I totally understand how she could "reason" with herself enough to go back to Chris, because I did that for 23 years in my own former marriage.  I think that's why my cry sometimes feels like the loudest when it comes to me hearing that people are "going back" to the abuser!  I lived it, I know what it's like, and EVERYTHING IN ME WANTS TO PREVENT YOU ALL FROM MAKING MY MISTAKES!

I know you had "history" with the abuser, the spouse, the boy/girl friend, the best friend, the relative, whatever, but YOU WILL MAKE NEW HISTORY that is healthier in a new situation. Your fear is based on the unknown.  Take the steps. Get the help. Do the "work" to heal.  Live at the shelters. Live with a relative. Find yourself. Find your voice. Find a hobby, a dream, a goal. You are WORTH IT! Break the cycle...for you, your children, for an example to everyone else that also NEEDS TO LEAVE!

~Laura

Freedom from Narcissistic Abuse from another NarcRaider: Let's Start at The BeginningNarcissistsees babies...

Freedom from Narcissistic Abuse from another NarcRaider: Let's Start at The Beginning
Narcissistsees babies...: Let's Start at The Beginning Narcissist sees babies as a threat at first, due to the attention they get. But soon many of the N’s rea...

So How Did Laura Become Prey to a Narcissist?

One of the first things in question about victims of narcissists is "how did they get in that position to begin with?"  I can't answer for every person of course, but I will share with you about how "I" ended up in a narcissistic relationship.  With a loose analogy of "catching a fish" I will explain how it worked with Mrs. N and me.

My temperament:  By nature, I tend to be a very caring, loving, giving individual.  Back when I met Mrs N, I had just been really hurt by a woman that had borderline personality disorder.  My head was spinning, I was confused, and I couldn't figure out how our super tight friendship and ministry could have ended simply because I asked people to pray for her about the "red flags" I was seeing.  (I found out later that they didn't pray, but ran to her and told her everything I had said about those red flags!)

The bait: Well, in entered Mrs N, the preachers kid, the guru, the sage, the one that had all answers and was there to help me and "never treat you like a dog, like Mrs Borderline did!"  No, Mrs. N had only the "best intentions" for me; she "knew people that knew people" who could publish my poems, introduce me into the professional ministry world...even put me on tv to preach to the masses!  Yes, she had money and once she liked ya, you would be privileged to receive new clothes, food at fancy restaurants, fake nails, fake hairstyles....all so you could be "all that" just like Mrs. N.

I WANTED ACCEPTANCE AND APPROVAL! This "fish" bit the bait!

The hook: Mrs. N decided to "take me under" her wing.  She would "hone" and train me to be the minister I'd always wanted to be.  I would be a "good and impressive" fish.  She would teach me the "right way" to interpret the Bible, the finer things in life, the way to raise my children, to be a wife, the right "mindsets" of life, so I could reach people with God's truth! I was Mrs. N's SPECIAL FISH FRIEND and was seen as more important than ANY OTHER fish friend she had at that point.

The catch:  All I needed to do was be EXACTLY LIKE HER! I had to become the CLONE OF MRS. N! I had to like only whom and what she liked, be sure to be "one step ahead at all times," never say anything she wouldn't say, dress similar to how she would dress, watch the horror movies she liked to watch (yes, a minister), and no matter what, NEVER MAKE HER OR HER MINISTRY FAMILY LOOK BAD IN ANY LIGHT!  

* I also had to be OK with her telling me to do something but then once I did it, having her claim she never told me to do it (Double-bind)

The snag: I was ME NOT HER! I didn't like the "finer things" but was happy and content with the "normal" things in life. I had no need to do my hair up like I had "whipped it" instead of brushed my fingers through my curls. I wasn't comfortable preaching the way she did, or watching horror movies, or adapting to HER mindset! I was ME, Laura, not Mrs. N.  Mrs. N would tell me things that confused me and I would "swim in circles" trying to figure out what it was that she wanted of me.  While I was swimming around, Mrs. N would just shake her head or show a "look" that said she was ASHAMED of me for not doing her bidding (shaming, blaming, covert manipulation with non verbals).

She finally sees the REAL fish:  After a while, Mrs. N really LOOKED at me...the "fish" she had caught.  She didn't like it one bit.  I would just not DO to be in her ministry or to be her close friend.  No, I didn't know how to "be one step ahead" of her and READ HER MIND before she asked me to do something, I tended to LOVE people rather than RESENT them like she did, I was all about EXPOSING and CONFRONTING sin rather than HIDING hers, I just had to QUESTION the abuse I saw from her when we were together, I had to at least WONDER why a spiritual, Godly person was so enjoying movies about MURDER and MAYHEM!  Yes, something was so WRONG with this "picture," and I HAD TO UNDERSTAND, so I ASKED, I REBELLED, I decided to be ME in front of Mrs. N.  She didn't like the "fish" she had caught but it was there, with her, and it was a lively, wiggling thing, she HAD TO FIND A WAY TO EITHER STOP IT FROM WIGGLING OR GET RID OF IT!

A suitable replacement:  Ok, Mrs. N decided that "this fish" would not "do" for her purposes after all.  She became frustrated and began to DEVALUE the fish (insults, mockery, put-downs), sometimes she would IGNORE the fish no matter how much it wanted her to notice it and spend time with it (SHUNNING).  She even TALKED BAD ABOUT THE FISH TO THE PEOPLE SHE WAS CLOSEST TO (shaming, smearing) RIGHT WHILE THE FISH WAS THERE TO HEAR (intimidation, covert, passive-aggressive abuse, psychological torment).  One day, Mrs. N decided that a BETTER TYPE OF FISH (my former borderline personality friend that dumped me before Mrs. N)  was around, so it would be ok to GET RID OF (discard) me and REPLACE ME (new narcissistic supply source) with her, RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES! (more covert abuse)  of course, when I SAW this and apparently SHOWED HORROR ON MY FACE WHILE SHE WAS DOING IT, she showed no remorse, no sorrow, no regret that she would replace me with THE VERY FISH that caused her to catch me in the first place.  In fact SHE BLAMED ME for being SHOCKED as she did this to me!  She ACCUSED me of NOT TRUSTING HER.  How could I though?  I was about to be "last week's menu" and watch my former friend become her "filet minon."

Grab and Toss: This was IT. Mrs. N decided that "I" was the WRONG FISH (I stopped serving her needs, giving her narcissistic supply)  By confronting what I had seen that did not seem right, she knew I would "not do" to be her special friend at all, so I was "grabbed" and "tossed."  This meant my time was DONE with Mrs. N.  She sent me on my way, but not till AFTER I CONFRONTED HER ONE LAST TIME!  I demanded to know, to understand: "Why, Mrs. N, did you not FOLLOW THROUGH ON YOUR PROMISES TO ME? WHY DID YOU SAY I WAS YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND BUT IGNORE ME, MOCK ME, PRETEND EVERYTHING WAS OK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHILE YOU TORMENTED ME IN PRIVATE? WHY COULD YOU TREAT SOMEONE YOU SAID WAS SO SPECIAL IN SUCH HATEFUL WAYS?  Mrs. N's response was that she DESPISED me, I would NEVER "do" for what she was looking for, I could NEVER "be" what she needed or wanted, and WE SHOULD BOTH BE SO GLAD WE FOUND THIS OUT BEFORE WE GOT TOO INVOLVED!  She also wanted me to realize that the former borderline friend-fish was MUCH MORE SUITED FOR HER than I ever could be.  Yes, I WAS EXPECTED TO BE HAPPY TO BE REPLACED BY THE FORMER ONE THAT HAD ABUSED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!  With that, she "tossed" me out of her home and her life, to swim alone in worse condition than before I had met her!

My "ocean":  The waters around me looked so murky and dirty. The blood from my wounds swirled around me, a reminder of the abuse I'd been through.  My body ached, my head spun, and nothing made sense. I wasn't even sure what direction I was swimming in!  I asked myself "did I REALLY just experience what I think I did? Did Mrs. N actually CATCH ME, CARE FOR ME, then THROW ME AWAY (lack of empathy) without any feeling about it whatsoever, and actually GLAD she found someone new, the very someone I once "knew"? Ugh, I could barely swim anymore, because the only swimming I did was WITH MRS N, IN HER HOME, HER WAY, WITH HER PEOPLE, HER WORDS, HER BELIEFS, HER EVERYTHING. ALL I KNEW WAS MRS N's WAYS.  

And for me, in MY life, THOSE THINGS, THOSE WAYS, WERE HERS NOT MINE and THEY WOULD NEVER "DO!"

~Laura (a survivor of narcissistic abuse)

*This was definitely not the entire, detailed story. You can find that in my videos at www.youtube.com/DelusionDispeller

If you have questions, please ask me. I will answer where I can and point you to someone that can help if not.

How Long???

One of the most common questions I am asked on my youtube channel and other posting sites about narcissistic abuse, is "how long will it take for me to be over this?"

Each person is different and each situation is just as different.  What this depends on, is a myriad of factors such as:


-your outlook on life in general


- how resilient you are overall when bad things happen in your life


-  are you trying to overcome the situation on your own or do you have support from a counselor, family, friends


-  do you have any spiritual beliefs or some source of "regrouping" you use in hard times.


- how codependent or dependent or borderline you are.


- your diet and health


- are you sleep deprived.

As usual there are other factors, but these are a few I could think of.

For me, personally, I have analyzed the one abuse situation from the female narcissistic mentor and here is what happened for me:

The relationship lasted about 3.5 years. From that point, I spent 6 months trying to find out what was wrong with ME that I had again attracted an abuser, then I was on meds for 9 months for ptsd (mislabeled bipolar II), and finally for 3 months, I was on antidepressants.  I would say 5 years after that, when I got divorced from the narcissistic spouse of 23 years, was when it didn't hurt to think of the N mentor anymore. So, although I'm no mathematician, I'm estimating it took me about 6 and a half YEARS to finally somewhat heal to the point that I had my identity back and could think of her without having pain so deep that I felt I couldn't exist or breathe another breath without her.

It didn't seem like it took that long, but other things were going on in my life. I had 3 children at home still, a granddaughter on the way, owned a restaurant, and was in the middle of a miserable marriage and then separation and divorce.

So, be patient with yourself if you have just come out of the abuse situation.  It takes TIME to heal, but whatever you do, maintain as LITTLE CONTACT with N as possible...best, if NO CONTACT!  Do not keep going back into the situation to further form the habit.

Scientifically, it is proven, that it takes about 21 days of repeated behavior to form a habit and 21 days to break a habit.  Your neurotransmitters in your brain "got used to" the narcissist's ways, rules, opinions, ideas, personality. It will take a while to stop being a puppet and become a "real boy."

~DD

It's Friday! What a nice day to drive super slow, learn what the "neutral" gear is for, and actually OBEY the stop signs while attempting not to slide on past them!

It was also a great day to advise one of my youtube channel viewers that it's time to LET GO!  This person is struggling with releasing a former person in their life who chose to move on to a toxic relationship.  If any of you are still clinging to the past person you loved, it's time to either let go or HOLD ON LOOSELY.

Here is what "still holding on and not moving on" can look like:

Every time the phone rings, you think "Oh my God! It's THEM!" (when you know full well that it's probably the latest bill collector)
You are still reminiscing over photos of the "two of us."
You are still hearing their voice in your head to the point that you can't tell which voice is theirs or God's or yours.
You find yourself doing or not doing something because of what THEY thought of it.
Every time someone talks to you, you HAVE to start obsessively mentioning your past partner's names and actions.
You sit around wondering what they are doing at any given moment.
You find yourself crying over them almost constantly.
You tend to accidentally/on purpose drift into chat rooms where you know they might be, shop in stores you know they frequent, bump into people you know are acquainted with them.
You do things to "keep tabs" on them.

There are other signs too, so these are a few of them.  How do I know all this? Been there, done that, burnt the tee-shirt!

How to move on?  First of all, you may not be able to do it on your own, so see a therapist, read The Language of Letting Go and other self-help books, get on meds, journal, pray, whatever you need to do in order to start finding YOU WITHOUT THEM again.  Questions? Look me up but be aware that if I hear signs of you being stuck in the "obsession mode" I will be sure to let you know because you are worth more than that and you are BETTER than that!

It's great to see everyone here as this will be my very first blog post on this fine site of Betty's!

Just a bit about who I am.  I'm first and foremost a child of God, Yahweh, sister to His son Yahuwshu`a (Jesus is the name most people call him, or I call Him Brother Yah), and a carrier of Holy Spirit.

My training comes through a Bachelor Degree in Psychology/emphasis on child development.  

My experience comes from being married for 23 years to a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (the somatic type) as well as spending several years being "mentored" by a pastor's daughter that I believe exhibited narcissistic and borderline personality disorder traits and before her, another mentor that exhibited definite Borderline Personality Disorder traits.

I am also a mother of 4 daughters ranging from 12 to 26, and a grandmother of one granddaughter.

I spend my days online working toward my Masters degree in Public Health, playing "Virtual Families" and word games online, running my own Youtube channel (vidoes of narcissistic personality disorder and other psych topics there), and chatting, emailing friends, or else talking by phone to people or just hanging out with my fiancee and daughter.

The main things I want people to know is that:

1.) NPD is a true disorder, recognized by the American Psychological Association (AMA) as a viable disorder.

2.) People with NPD truly ARE that cruel, heartless, and tactless as you have experienced. It isn't just you "misinterpreting their motives" "misunderstanding 'what just happened' or 'what they just said.'"  

3.) You do NOT EVER deserve any type of abuse from a narcissist or anyone else, no matter what you look like, sound like, act like.  You do deserve boundaries if you are about to hurt yourself or someone else.

4.) You are important and beautiful to God and to me!

5.) Your feelings, opinions, ideas MATTER!

6.) You do NOT have to stay in the abusive situation or with that abuser!

7.) You are NOT ALONE!

There is a lot to say about this type of disorder and others, but I will leave it at those 7 precepts for now, and allow you to browse and learn from this website, the blogs, videos, information, and links.

Bless you as you seek recovery and reclamation of your identity :)

~Delusion Dispeller (Laura)

Let's Start at The Beginning

Narcissist sees babies as a threat at first, due to the attention they get. But soon many of the N’s realize that the baby can bring THEM attention as being “such a GOOD parent” She perceives the child as an object that will obtain attention for her. THESE ARE KNOWN AS EXTERNALIZED EGO BOUNDARIES.

The N does not want or try to obtain love from the baby but uses it as another being she can impress, shock, abuse, set out at a “star child,” have the attention of, put down, manipulate, and control. She does this when she senses she may be losing her former narcissistic supply or perceived former N supply. She will hurt, shame, abuse the child and if the child is resilliant, the N will slink into an imagined world in which she is RULER. This will mean the baby will be neglected and rejected by the mother. If the narcissistic mother is in public where she cannot openly lash out at the baby, she will simply pull away from the infant and project her anger onto other people.

Some N mothers will actually appear to “own” the baby to the point that nobody else will be allowed near them. This frustrates those not allowed near, so the narcissistic mother gains fulfillment because she has effectively “punished” the one that wants to be close to the baby she is “hogging” This affords the N mother another type of narcissistic supply.

When the baby begins achieving milestones, this becomes yet another source of N Supply to the N mother.

As the baby grows, N mother will teach them to see them as “god” through methods in which the child learned to obey without question and idolize “mom”

Unfortunately, when the N mother/father is able to elicit this blind obedience from the child, incest can often result. The narcissist will actually see the child as way to feed his/her own sexual needs by “using” the child to fill their desires. Since the child is viewed as an extention of N parent, this is one of the most ultimate ways of “consuming” the “object” which is the child. This depersonalization is very harmful indeed. Children are very easy targets for a narcissist and even during a sexual act, are subservient and dependent on N…another high thrill of the narcissist!