The reason I said "Almost" in my title for this blog, is that I am not sure we are every totally FREE from the effects the narcissist's abuse had on us. I am a "free indeed" type of spiritual believer too, but I think the damage that narcissists do really lasts a lifetime in the sense that we will have our "radar" out as long as we live, to avoid becoming their prey again. At least, I know "I" will!
So, how did I finally at least get to the point that my ptsd symptoms were not so strong that they interfered with my life? It was long, it took 6 years, it was a process and it's still going on.
After n lady got done with her insidious abuse of me, she gave me a car to drive 6 hours home in. I cried and sobbed all the way home, screaming at times, pounding the steering wheel and yelling out "WHY GOD WHY? We were supposed to be going on a mission trip together! We were partners! We were BEST FRIENDS! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS!" To say I was feeling devastated would be a huge understatement. No, this time it was deeper than that. I was DISILLUSIONED. My best definition of this would be when you ask yourself in a dazed-state "did that REALLY just happen? did I actually LIVE that nightmare? Am I here? Am I alive? Am I gonna be ok?" All those questions raced through my mind as I drove back home.
When I finally parked and got out of the car, my 10 year old daughter came out to greet me (I had been begging her to pray for me over the phone while at the n's house). I fell into her arms sobbing and exhausted. Eventually, I went in the house and the rest is a blur until the next morning. That morning, I woke up feeling extremely confused, numb, defeated, disillusioned, and WANTING REVENGE! I wanted to MAKE that woman FEEL SOMETHING! It wasn't so bad that she hurt me while I was with her, but that, no matter what the abuses she perpetrated on me, she just did not seem to feel any LASTING remorse. Oh yes, she whined and poured on fake tears about how she KNEW she had mistreated me and that GOD was not happy with her, but there was something so lacking in her words, her body language...and especially realizing this was all going on at the same time as she was replacing me with my former best friend that she claimed she had wanted nothing to do with.
I went online, opened a chat room and began exposing everything she did to me, telling people she was not whom she claimed she was, and warning them to steer clear. I did this till her husband called and threatened me and then she called and asked me to be sure this was something God wanted me to do. Again, I felt frustrated, confused, and I stopped the chat room even though people were coming in and THANKING me for helping them to know they were not alone, not crazy, and that there really WERE people like this in the world. Many people told me "well maybe you shouldn't have mentioned them by NAME" but let me let you all in on a little secret; once you are abused, you could CARE LESS about that stuff. You want the WORLD TO WAKE UP AND HEAR YOUR CRIES and you want to WARN PEOPLE to stay away from that family, those people, all that abuse that goes on BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. So, you name names and you take back your power and you give the N the message of "YOU WILL NOT KEEP ME QUIET EVER AGAIN!"
Since I no longer allowed myself this forum to gain back "my power" I had to find other ways to heal. I went to a mental health clinic, was put on medicine, and eventually read and APPLIED my way through a book called "How To Break Your Addiction To A Person." I also found Sam Vaknin's site and learned that I had just been abused by a narcissist, which was actually once a little girl that had also been neglected and abused by her family and by strangers. This little girl still lived inside the narcissist and would come out from time to time to "play" with me. Then, other times, the abusive mother of that little girl had come to punish me. On the outside we had looked like 2 grown adult women, but the actual narcissistic dynamic going on would have caused high schoolers to BLUSH! Once I learned what had just happened to me, I determined to learn all I could about it. I browsed websites, watched videos and then began making videos to help other people. I went back to college, got my BA degree in Psychology, divorced my narcissistic husband, and decided that my life would be lived to point out this form of abuse and to help the victims come to a place of peace. I have even pointed some narcissists in the direction of getting help! I care about people and I believe my love for human beings, especially victimized ones, is the reason I've been able to start my own healing process and to help the voiceless ones find their voices!
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