The Bored Narcissist

The Bored Narcissist

How to Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

After being abused in general, a person needs time to heal, but being abused by a narcissist has the added element with it of mental, psychological torment that results in its victims having post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. Baby steps are needed in order to heal and recover from such abuse.

There are several methods of treatment that can be used to help a narcissistic abuse victim.  Journaling is one such method of treatment to help a narcissistically abused person.  Using questions such as Location? Feelings? What do you want to do? What did you do? How do you feel about your choice? You can work through on paper, the feelings that used to drive you toward the narcissistic person.

Learn how to start a recovery journal of your own right here:

The Narcissist's Puppet

The Narcissist's Puppet

Narcissists are “users” in a very real sense of the word. You are nothing more than an object to the narcissist. Puppets are a good example of this type of relationship. The narcissist pulls the “strings” to make the victim move and do what they want them to do.  This works well until the “puppet” realizes he/she is on the strings. At this point, the puppet-victim decides that this control is too tight and uncomfortable.  When this happens, the narcissist is both shocked and amazed that this seemingly inanimate object (you) dares to think for itself, do what it wants, and that its thoughts and actions do not match what the narcissist does or expects it to do.  The narcissist becomes enraged at this point and begins demanding the victim to comply “or else,” as well as using threats, manipulation, promises, or other tactics to get the victim back on the strings of control.

Conclusion: Take Some Kind of Positive Action

Using a watch with a second hand can help you work through making it through the seemingly endless moments after the one you cared about left you.  It is important to form new habits to replace the old ones.  A person will NOT be able to break old habits and stop wanting to be with their partner without having something to replace those old habits. 

Some experiments have determined that it takes about 21 days to make or break any habit.  It would be a great idea to cut off the thoughts about the narcissist in this same way.  Allow yourself a certain amount of time to dwell on things but then go do another new thing…see a movie, walk a dog, sing a song…anything. Eventually, your brain will attach to the new habits.

When you are through with a relationship, you may be tempted to curl up and die. DO NOT DO IT!  Take positive ACTION for your life and you will feel so much better.  Join a gym or a YMCA, pick up a new hobbie, get a pet, just do something!  As long as your mind is busy, you should have less time to obsess about what you’ve lost and put energy toward what you have gained.

Forgiveness Sets You Free!

Breaking up with, leaving, or losing an abusive narcissist can send you reeling! Your mind will do somersaults trying to make sense of it all.  You are going to feel like you did something wrong, could do something different than what you did, were not good enough, didn’t help the person enough, etc.  You will most likely go through various types of mourning stages such as: denial and realization, but eventually you will embrace acceptance,  and even eventually come to a point in which you release the abuser from your hatred and anger…this is forgiveness.  Forgiveness will help you bring positivity into your life and set your own heart and mind free!

Four Types of Narcissists

There are various types of narcissists. No matter what type you are dealing with, they wreak havoc in your life. From the ones who can't leave you alone, to the pathological liars and schemers, to the sexual assaulters and controlling punishers, these are people who believe you were born and bred for their selfish means. Narcissists of all types can be draining and dangerous...sometimes dangerous!

 Four types of Narcissists are:

1.) The Craving Narcissist: Needy, Clingy, Draining, Demanding
2.) The Paranoid Narcissist: Believe you are plotting against them, self-harmers
3.) The Manipulative Narcissist: Try to deceive people, Liars, Convincing, Conniving
4.) The Phallic Narcissist: Aggressive, Athletic, Show-offs, usually male women-haters

When the Narcissist Decides to Leave

When the Narcissist Decides to Leave

Narcissists like to remain seen as powerful, famous, notorious, or grand. If anyone comes along that dares to point out that they are normal, plain, human, or anything beneath their "ideal," the narcissist will become very edgy and angry.  He or she will immediately begin trying to get him/herself back into the most positive light possible.

The narcissist will cut off the person who decides to confront their behaviors and issues.  Unless the person in the narcissist's life keeps jumping through her hoops and falling over themselves to please her or him, there will be a price to pay for disappointing the abuser for sure.  The biggest price the narcissist can make his/her victim pay, would be to desert and abandon them...and so, they do.  How DARE you notice that the narcissist is not and was never perfect!

The Hated Child: Narcissist's Scapegoat/Target

The Hated Child: Narcissist's Scapegoat/Target

Most families have children in various positions. There is always the "black sheep" or the "favorite" in families, but in narcissistic families, this goes even deeper and encompasses the entire fabric of the family.

A hated child of a narcissist is subjected to abuse by a so-called parent that was supposed to love and care for him or her.  This child never was loved, protected, cared for, and may have been shamed and punished for things they did not do or for disappointing or embarassing their parent.

This child has high need for achievement and is a people-pleaser.  He or she begins to find ways to comfort and self-soothe with material possessions.  Often, such a child grows up having a high sex drive, because of equating sex with acceptance, closeness, and love.

The hated child will sometimes act out and get into trouble in order to get any type of attention.  They will often do things that are dangerous or mean to their siblings or others.

As adults, these children will often become pathological liars, emotionally distant, clingy, dependent, codependent, and insecure. 

The Bored Narcissist

Narcissists are rarely ever content or fulfilled. The become bored in life very quickly and seek out new things to entertain them.  As their victim, you will sense that there is an “endless pit” for you to fill for them, because there’s NEVER enough to make the narcissist happy or complete. You will find yourself falling over yourself to please them and get them to smile or laugh. You will feel drained and wearied by their constant demands and expectations, as well as from never seeming to be able to stay “one step ahead of” them. It’s hard to please the narcissist because they don’t even know what they want or need half the time and the other times, you will think you “nailed” it but you find out you somehow displeased and disappointed them. But, remember, it’s THEM with the problem, NOT YOU!

Defense Mechanisms of Coping with Narcissistic Abuse

Defense Mechanisms

When a person is abused, one of the ways they cope with life is by living through defense mechanisms.  One of these is called Withdrawal.

Withdrawal means that a person becomes quiet, ignores you, and even physically moves away from you.  The narcissist will become distant and aloof from you. Often, detachment, and seeming to look past or through you is a sign of withdrawing.

Insensitivity is another defense mechanism. This is felt in the sense of a "disconnect."  Gift-giving is a good indication of this, in that the narcissist will give very odd, unfitting gifts to you.  The narcissist will play the "come close, no, get away" borderline-type game.

Projection, is a defense mechanism in which the narcissist will actually accuse you of the very thing they do that is not nice.  They believe that, since they MUST be perfect at all times, YOU have to be the one that did the wrong thing, not them.

Besides the above defense mechanisms, narcissists will sometimes do exactly what people want them to do for a time, seeming to be codependent (but this will switch over to them being the controller), they may self-deprecate (put themselves down), they can be very self-sacrificing at first but this will change soon.

Children who are being raised by narcissists will look for "cues" from the parent's face.  If mom or dad smile, this means the child is good. If mom punishes, this means the child is bad.  This child grows into an adult who has black and white, all-good/all-bad thinking. This child learns that life involves performance to earn someone's affection.

The child of a narcissist may seek constant approval even as an adult, to the point of it becoming very annoying to their partner. They are still seeking that approval from their loved one, because that's how they learned that life was.

Being Idealized but then Devalued: A Typical Escape Tactic of a Narcissistic Abuser

Intense, short-term relationships are very common with narcissists. Often, the narcissist might say something that gives this information away, such as “I don’t have any close friends” or “they always leave me.”  Narcissistic behaviors are patterned and narcissists are generally found as the leaders of various groups, jobs, teaching institutions, and other situations in which a leader is required and admired.

Narcissists go from idealizing and praising the very ground you walk on to later on devaluing you, finding fault with things that beforehand impressed them, and putting you down often.  In order to justify deserting you, they must first “paint” you in the worst light possible.  Narcissists cannot handle feeling the guilt of having abused and abandoned you, which they are fully aware of, lurking beneath their phony façade, so they convince themselves that you were never what they had thought you were to begin with!

Narcissistic Objectivity

YOU ARE NOT HERE. I DO NOT SEE OR HEAR OR KNOW YOU.

Remember that you are not alone and there is hope regarding your situation!  If you are in a narcissistic relationship, you owe it to yourself to learn all you can about the signs of the disorder and how the behaviors operate.

The silent treatment is one form of punishment the narcissist might use with his/her victims.  The narcissist behaves as though you are no longer in the room or even on the planet. It is a tactic to manipulate and control you, as well as a punishment.  Perhaps you dared to question the narcissist or even point out a flaw in him or her.  He or she has no problem acting like you no longer are present at all.  To them, you are just like that vase on the shelf, the grass on the ground.  You are now an OBJECT to the narcissist.

Whatever you do, do NOT attempt to force the narcissist to talk to you or interact.  Let the narcissist live in his/her cocoon of silence without you and don’t show that it even phases you one bit.  By trying to get the narcissist to respond to you, you may place yourself in a situation in which the narcissist figures that he/she needs to increase the punishment on you.  He or she may resort to worse behaviors if this happens.

YOU ARE NOT AN OBJECT. If you are being abused, it’s time to TAKE ACTION! Contact the abuse, the Human Rights Commission, or anyone that is a safe person or place to get help.  You DID NOTHING TO DESERVE any mistreatment by the narcissist. You deserve respect, honor, and love.  Sadly, you will not find genuine care from a narcissistic person.  It may be time to move on elsewhere, leaving the narcissist to figure out his/her own issues if they so choose.

Narcissist Anger and Meltdowns

Don't Make Me Angry!

It is not uncommon for a narcissist to have an out and out meltdown when you decide to confront them.  They are very shocked when you start to see things that bother you about how they are behaving.  Their anger can quickly escalate into full blown rage and accusations toward you.  They do NOT appreciate being confronted or even questioned.

You can often see how the narcissist is processing thoughts, based on their body language. A cutting glare is only one way that this type of abuser can make you MELT in fear in their presence.  Often, the narcissist only needs to give a facial expression to get  their victim to cower and squirm; they may find this to be quite entertaining and therefore, worth doing often.

It is always your word against theirs, and since they usually abuse in private, nobody is likely to believe what a terribly abusive individual the narcissist is.  They are very subtle in their abuse when it serves their purpose and, especially when they want to hide what they are doing behind closed doors to you.

Narcissists rarely ever change, but if there is one who has the possibility of learning new ways, he or she will need to be totally isolated from all forms of narcissistic supply. You can probably see why this might be nearly impossible even if a narcissist were willing to attend counseling sessions.  Even the very act of a counselor analyzing the narcissist in an office, can be taken as a form of narcissistic supply by the person with the narcissistic personality disorder.

If possible and safe to do so, the best manner of dealing with narcissists is to NOT deal with them.  Find a way out or at least learn not to take their issues on as your own.  If seeking counseling for yourself, be sure to find a trauma specialist, not just any counselor, and don’t be afraid to ask the therapist if they are familiar with narcissistic abuse and also post traumatic stress disorder, because that is the situation you will find yourself in after abuse by a narcissistic individual.