The Disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder

A person with Borderline Personality disorder is emotionally and psychologically irratic. They will do anything to keep you from leaving or rejecting them, whether threatening suicide or trying to make you feel guilty for things. Addictions are common in this disorder…self-mutilation, drinking, eating disorders, cutting are also part of it. Borderlines feel non-existent so they will do things to make themselves “feel” like they are materialized. People with this disorder tend to cling, will alternately pull you close and push you away, can become the center of attention at the expense of others. Dissociation is part of the disorder, as is “losing time.” Borderlines can be heard to say “I don’t remember” because they will black out at times and not realize what they just experienced. It is difficult to be a close friend of a person who has this disorder, because you can be accused of plotting against your friend, and often, you may be seen as not truly caring for them.

The Disorders: Paranoid Personality Disorder

A person with Paranoid Personality disorder has irrational suspicions. They believe that someone is spying on them or out to get them in some way. There is generally no proof that this person’s fears are logical and most people think they are acting crazy when they voice their fears. People with this disorder can be very hostile, homo-phobic, and are difficult to remain close to in relationships. A person with Dependent Personality Disorder is clingy, has trouble making his/her own decisions, and generally avoids situations unless someone else can do the thinking and choosing for him/her. 

The Disorders: The Avoidant Personality Disorder

A person with Avoidant Personality disorder will stay away from doing new things because they are afraid that people will not like or make fun of them. When you suggest to an avoidant that they need to go out and meet people they will immediately show panic, make excuses, and justify why they are not interested in your socialization suggestion. Avoidants want to connect with people but are not sure how to get past their anxiety about it. People with this disorder are NOT risk-takers and will do anything to avoid staying out of new situations in which they have to face their fears of involvement.

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The Disorders: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

People with Narcissistic Personality disorder are grandiose, thinking they are the most important and best person on the planet. They brag about accomplishments and, sometimes there is no proof of them having achieved what they claim. Usually, narcissists like to appear as being extremely busy, the savior of others, and people who know people. Narcissists have a sense of entitlement, which means they think they should get whatever they want, simply because they exist and are super special. Narcissists will connect to anyone who will do their bidding. These people were generally not raised properly as children…having been either abused, neglected or treated as the “golden child.” If you are not on the side of the narcissist, he/she will perceive that you are out to destroy them. They cannot relate to deep emotions and see people that show emotions as weak or wimpy. Narcissists only care about what matters to them, usually to protect the false image of themselves that they present to the world. A narcissist will react to confrontation by using the silent treatment or severe rage. People with this disorder can take you under their wing one moment and then turn and rip you to pieces verbally the next minute; this is known as idealization/devaluation. Narcissists are game players that seek to always be seen as the best but knowing in the deep part of their heart, that they are afraid, jealous, insecure human beings.

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The Disorders: Histrionic Personality Disorder

A person with Histrionic Personality disorder seeks to be the center of attention at any cost. They are seductive, even with people in positions of authority. Histrionics use their bodies to make people notice them and pay attention. They are flamboyant, strutting around like peacocks and believing that people “belong” to them. They are flirtatious and talk a lot. They are dramatic and obnoxious and can make a scene. Histrionics are “bolder than life” people. People with the disorder will make any conversation end up focused back on themselves. This disorder often occurs along with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which will be discussed in the next blog.

5. Being Cornered by Narcissists and Borderlines

Both people with narcissistic and borderline personality disorders use silent treatment, overreactto things, watch you to see what they should do or say next, corner you, live in 3rd person (and someties speak in it) Dealing with people who have either issue is difficult and feels almost impossible. My view of how to overcome the hurts that are caused by disordered people, is to read the Bible and learn what GOD thinks of you. One of the reasons people who were victimized have a hard time moving on without the narcissist, is that they don’t know who they are without him or her. God has some wonderful things to say about and to you in His Word, as you will learn on this video.

3. Both Narcissists and Borderlines Are Passionate and Can Exhaust Their Victims

People with these disorders feel inadequate and are often needy perfectionistic and self or false-self focused. Both demand excessive attention but different types of this. Borderlines will pull away from you if they perceive that you reject them yet they will return to you out of fear of rejection and abandonment (I hate you. Don’t leave me!) They are self-punishers who internalize blame; this entails pills, cutting, self-harm, and eating disorders. Narcissists will use manipulation, rejection and anger if you are about to leave them. They use gaslighting (trying to make you feel insane) in order to control you and make you more dependent on them so you will do what they want. Narcissists want to be adored and want you for their slave, Borderlines want you to be their savior. Both people with BPD and NPD are very demanding, all-encompassing, passionate about getting what they want, and can cause the victim to become depressed, trapped, and miserable.

2 Borderlines Fear You Leaving and Narcissists Fear Losing You as Suppy

Both will make unreasonable demands and expectations, which will be frustrating for you because you will “fall over yourself” trying to avoid offending them (there is NO WAY NOT to offend them). If you try to leave a borderline, they will do almost anything to keep you, but a narcissist will most likely react to your leaving with rage or blame or just ignoring you. Narcissist’s body language is seen through “the glare” or a haughty presence of conceitedness. Borderlines tend to look dejected, depressed, insecure, and are verbal about feeling empty, alone, rejected. Narcissists are bored easily and restless. Borderlines are preoccupied with cutting, self-abuse, self-deprecation. Narcissists and Borderlines both treat people as objects, but where Narcissists are envious yet resentful of the person they envy, Borderlines are envious but feel like they could never be as good as whom they envy. Narcissists will “give” to earn trust so you will serve her/him and then control will be possible Borderlines will “give” gifts in order to produce enmeshment with you. Narcissists do not fear losing you because they need you, but rather because they will have to work hard to find another supply person. Borderlines actually FEAR losing you because they find their worth through your reactions to them.

Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders Compared

Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders Compared There can be both narcissistic and borderline traits in people, so it can be difficult to accurately and specifically diagnose both disorders. There are traits listed in the Psychological manual with which a basic diagnosis can be attempted. The problem with diagnosing a narcissist is that they are expert actors and can turn on and off their behaviors so the therapist is deceived. Narcissistic Personality contains a need for extreme admiration, lack of empathy, grandiose self, preoccupied with ideal love, believes he/she can only associate with people of high status, and expects impossible things from people. This person is envious but believes others are the ones envying him/her. Borderline Personality shows up in 5 traits of avoiding abandonment, self-injury, unstable interpersonal relationships, alternating idealizing/despising another person, impulsive spending, sex, substance use, driving, binging, eating disorders, suicidal threats and behaviors, depression, anxiety that lasts for several hours, feeling empty and angry with trouble controlling their anger, and shows in dissociative behaviors.

Are You Living With a Narcissist?

There are ways to know if you might be living with a narcissistic person. Guilt trips, constant criticism, false accusations, demand that you do everything their way, making their choices, and feeling like you never measure up, are ways to know that narcissism is present.

Do you feel devalued, controlled, at fault even for things you did not do? Do you feel almost like you do not exist or are invisible until you can do something for the other person?  Are you “tripping over” yourself to please the other person but never being able to?

Is the person you live with able to turn on and off emotions? Did they suddenly go from loving to abhorring you?  Do they seem to have no true care for you or other people? When they look at you, do you see void or emptiness behind their eyes?

Do conversations turn always back onto them? Does the person in your situation say tactless, rude, mean comments to or about you (even in front of others).

Does the other person throw temper tantrums, constantly seem to be competing with you? Tease you mercilessly and seem to find great enjoyment with this or just not care that you find it irritating and invasive?

What is HEALTHY NARCISSISM?

Clear boundaries of self and respecting boundaries of others, desire to do your best, desire to be accepted and loved.

radio interview: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/othersideoflife/2013/03/21/dark-heart-wounded-pastexposing-a-narcissist

How Do You Tell a Narcissist He/She Is One? You Don’t!

N’s cannot handle you telling them they have a flaw of any kind. They do not even appreciate your “concern” for them, and will assume you are accusing them of almost being a serial killer or some horrendous thing.  They do not even have a reference for “compromise” or “working together” on changing behaviors.  It will not work for you to try to be their therapist at all!

Don’t be surprised if the narcissist is well able to see their own flaws in other people but not in themselves; they learned how to project and displace their own issues very well a long time ago.   In fact, if you have noticed any major changes in the narcissist in your relationship, chances are he/she are not a true, malignant narcissist, because those types do not change without extensive help from people that specialize in treating  their issues.

Cat n Mouse Catnip Game

When the narcissist becomes bored with his/her supply source, the victim (supply person) is smacked around (verbally or maybe physically) and then the narcissist finds a new supply person and tosses aside the old supply person.

It is out of sight out of mind for the narcissist and erases the supply person from their mind and life.  It is what DISILLUSION means…that awful feeling in which you are asking yourself. “

Is The Behavior of the Narcissist Rational?

Yes, if you consider the fact that this person’s main drive in life is false-self protection.

Narcissists see people like cars. Once it breaks down, it’s time to trade it in for a new model. With people, this means that once the supply source no longer flatters, adores, pleases the narcissist, it’s time to switch supply sources. This is the time you will notice the narcissist suddenly being upset with things about you that used to fascinate and thrill them, and then, you will find yourself being out of the picture and the new source being the one bragged about by the narcissist.

Covert Narcissism

One type of narcissist is known as a “Covert” Narcissist. This type is similar to an outright narcissist but the covert tends to be more underhanded, behind-the scenes.  They tend to be passive-aggressive exploiters.  These people are vulnerable to stress and feel guilty about fantasizing about things they know they will most likely never have or be.  This guilt causes them to suppress their feelings more.  They are angry and envious and see others as weak and wimpy.  They want to be viewed as the hero or the charity worker.  When praised, the covert does not believe it is sincere; they view the one praising them as having alterior motives.  The tend to put themselves down through self-deprecation and admire people they look up to and also resent them at the same time.  Coverts want their victims to succeed yet resent them if they do, out of envy.  This type of narcissist can be explained by the following words: hostile

 exploitative

 never pleased

can't handle stress well

competitive

low self-concept

enviousof people yet hate them

rescuer complex

suspicious

feels unappreciated

puts self down

tend to live with overt narcissists

Victimized: Stuck in Servant Mode

One of the most disturbing and fascinating aspects of having sessions with adult victims of narcissistic abuse, either in their childhood homes or by boyfriends, husbands, wives, friends, bosses, etc, is that, often I meet people who are "stuck" in certain stages of development.

Many people are aware that when a child was molested, that person as an adult, may have childlike characteristics that stemmed from being harmed at that age, but some adult-children of abuse also are under-developed in other ways of their lives.

Sadly, abuse victims have believed the message that they have to "apologize for living and existing."  They have learned that what they do, who they are, what they think has no place being shared among people. They are convinced that they simply are on this planet to do the bidding of and meet the needs of other people who have more rights to be here than they.

If this belief continues long enough, it fuels the actions of abuse victims, to the point that they subconsciously attach to people looking for this "learned state of helpless belief and action" in them. This makes such a person a prime target of narcissists and "control freaks" as well as "sociopaths" at times.

The main solution to overcoming the tendency to be attractive to abusers, is to work on learning one's self-worth and right to "be." When a person believes he/she have no rights to live, to obtain things they want, to express themselves, they simply live for the other person, doing whatever it is that the 'stronger' one wants them to.  They learn to convince themselves that they are "good" because they have mastered meeting their controller's needs and even "second-guessing" exactly what they want. This makes them feel very clever, and yes, NEEDED...but it is a LIE...they are a HUMAN BEING, NOT a HUMAN DOING!

If you have been abused and you believe that your purpose and your only joy comes because you are consistently meeting the needs of others and have no needs or dreams of your own, you need help!  Sometimes it is ok to be "self-ish" and you NEED to be.  Your abusers taught you that your main reason for living and being allowed to be in their presence or the presence of others, is that you were a "good girl" or "good boy" based on serving THEM! This was NOT your reason for being put on this planet, in this world.  You need to seek a trauma therapist and find out which age you are stuck at, which beliefs are keeping you in this subservient, unhealthy position, and move forward to achieve YOUR goals, YOUR hopes, YOUR dreams and finding out who YOU are...just YOU!

Grandiose Thinking of the Narcissist

Grandiose Thinking

Narcissists have delusions about being rich, famous, and adored. The best thing for you to do is to “humor” the narcissist without seeming like you realize their dreams are phony.  The narcissist is convinced that he really has achieved or will achieve his grand notions.  Often, but not always, the narcissist has claims of talents or ambitions of which he/she is incapable of or has no proof of either.

You Cannot Make a Narcissist Happy

As a caring person, you might feel like there is something different you can do to make your narcissistic partner happy. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make them be happy or satisfied, because this comes from within.  You need to allow the narcissist to “own” his/her behaviors, but don’t knock yourself out trying to please them.  Living with a person with this personality disorder of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is never easy or even “do-able” for most people.  I will generally advise people to leave if they find themselves with such types of abusers.  If you are married to or in a close relationship with a narcissist in which you are not able to leave, boundaries will be CRUCIAL for you to set and insist on, as well as having people the narcissist will be accountable to if possible. Easier said than done, of course, but necessary.

Narcissistic Egg and Sperm Donors (Because they are NOT Parents!)

Narcissistic parents are what I call “egg donors” or “sperm donors.” The types of narcissists will tell you that when they abuse you, it’s for “your own good.” They often compare you to your siblings, will ignore you, take credit for something you did or insult what you achieved.  They will passively-aggressively hurt you and then make fun of you for getting upset.

These types of narcissistic fiends are amused when you are afraid, get a thrill out of watching you react in horror to tactless comments that they make. They have no problem tormenting you in front of certain people, as long as you are aware that you are being harmed and the other person often does not catch on.  They can be very ruthless and sadistic in the way they treat children, as a child represents that very pure and innocent  self that they can not be.

Starving a child, physically abusing them, turning a sibling against a child, killing the child’s pet, ruining his/her property, are only some of the many ways the narcissist uses to gain control and domination over a child. This evil egg/sperm donor does not nurture or show compassion or care toward the child either.  Sometimes these children grow up to become narcissists themselves. Sadly, I became close with and was abused by one recently.

Recap of October 20 thru 27

This past week, I shared about recovering from narcissistic abuse and the healing that needs to take place after the Post Traumatic Stress disorder that results from it. The importance of journaling was discussed, as well as an actual explanation about how to journal being discussed. We discussed what it feels like when the narcissist pulls the strings on us as if we were nothing more than puppets, and talked about how the narcissist reacts when the "puppet" makes decisions for itself and dares to protest the abuse. The ending of the narcissistic relationship was also evaluated and analyzed as far as the stages you may go through after your beloved narcissist decides he or she is done with you. Types of narcissists were explored, as we learned the behavioral characteristics of each type and found out that their issues belong to them, not us. We talked about how narcissists do not find contentment no matter how much we fall over ourselves trying to make them happy and fulfilled, and we discussed the hated child and the reactions he or she may exhibit due to their situation of abuse. We learned a little about how the narcissist continues coming back over and over again, because they are still trying to maintain the narcissistic supply source as long as they can. Next,I will share about narcissism in families.

The Bored Narcissist

The Bored Narcissist