What are the 9 Traits of Narcissism?

In order to have a true diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) a person must have 5 of the 9 traits of the disorder.  This video talks about the 9 traits that need to be seen in order to determine a true narcissistic character of a client.

The motive behind harming others is what distinguishes a narcissist from a psychopath.  Narc's main objective is to protect their image that they want others to see as them. Psychopaths simply enjoy harming people, get a "rush" out of it, and have no remorse over what they do.

Recap on The Disorders

Over the past 5 days, personality disorders have been discussed. Narcissistic Personality, Avoidant Personality, Borderline Personality, Paranoid and Dependent Personality, and Histrionic Personality disorders all have different characteristics and can occur with each other in a person. I explained the basic traits of each disorder as follows: Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves a person having a false-persona that he/she will protect at all costs, through using defense mechanisms such as projection, grandiose thinking, and entitlement. Avoidant personality is seen in people through their desires to avoid doing new things, socializing with people, and not wanting to take risks, due to their desire to not be made fun of or do things wrong. Borderline people tend to have very deep-seated emotions and react to perceived rejections and abandonment by self-inflicted harm, threats of suicide and other types of defenses. Paranoid people tend to have irrational fears that have no proven basis. Dependent personality disorder is seen in people clinging to others, expecting others to make important decisions for them, and deep insecurities when not with the people they are dependent on. Lastly, Histrionic disorder shows up in the person who demands that all eyes remain on him/her, and who will act seductive or showy in order to be sure that they do.

The Disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder

A person with Borderline Personality disorder is emotionally and psychologically irratic. They will do anything to keep you from leaving or rejecting them, whether threatening suicide or trying to make you feel guilty for things. Addictions are common in this disorder…self-mutilation, drinking, eating disorders, cutting are also part of it. Borderlines feel non-existent so they will do things to make themselves “feel” like they are materialized. People with this disorder tend to cling, will alternately pull you close and push you away, can become the center of attention at the expense of others. Dissociation is part of the disorder, as is “losing time.” Borderlines can be heard to say “I don’t remember” because they will black out at times and not realize what they just experienced. It is difficult to be a close friend of a person who has this disorder, because you can be accused of plotting against your friend, and often, you may be seen as not truly caring for them.

Recap of November 15-22

In the past week, I covered several topics related to narcissistic behaviors and how to tell if may be living with or in contact with a true narcissist.  I covered covert narcissism, which is an indirect form of behaviors that are narcissistic, such as passive-aggression and projection.  In this form of narcissistic abuse, the narcissist may not be loud or physically violent, but still may abuse in underhanded, sneaky ways. 

I also talked about whether narcissistic behavior is rational or not, as well as how the narcissist’s behavior cycle operates in a similar way to how a cat stalks, catches, kills, and deserts a mouse.  I talked about one type of narcissist known as the blame-shifter, shared some examples of the crazy-making behaviors of narcissists, and warned that you should NOT try to convince the narcissist that he or she is one.

More information on narcissists and narcissism coming soon, as well as other topics...Stay Tuned

Crazymaking Behaviors of the Narcissist

There are many behaviors of narcissists that can make you feel NUTS!  First, they are people that live almost obsessively/compulsively rigid and by routine. This helps the narcissist feel more secure, but it also makes him/her appear robotic.  It also makes them predictable after a while.

Narcissists are "affection-junkies" as long as the affection can be his/her supply source.  Once that supply ends or he senses it is about to, he will discard you after replacing you with someone else.  Underneath the mask of"Mr/Mrs Wonderful is a lot of anger, rage, revenge, and ugliness.  These traits are based on the defense mechanism that was built up over the years.

If you begin seeing through the narcissist, he/she will start smearing, mocking, criticizing, projecting onto you.  You will be victimized and subjected to much torment.  Don't be shocked if you've been with the narc for years, if suddenly they seem disinterested, bothered by your need for them, or even full of rage because you are "never satisfied." That is ABOUT THEM!  The narcissist NEVER CARED and still DOES NOT CARE about you. I know you think that you and they had this wonderful, magical love affair, marriage, relationship, but that's only in YOUR mind, and was never in theirs. They simply used you till they next best thing came along.

Recap of November 7- November 14

RECAP In the past week, we discussed the grandiose thinking of the narcissist, in which he or she sees themselves achieving things they truly haven’t, or believes that they are already in a position of power over a group when they are not, just to name a few examples. Also discussed were the facts that narcissists will never truly be happy and that just because you grew up in a house with 2 people who got together and shared an egg and sperm that became you, does NOT mean they are defined as “father” or “mother.” It is normal for people to want to believe they had parents, but there are some humans that just do not deserve the honor of those titles!

Entitlement of the Narcissist

Entitlement of the Narcissist Narcissists believe “the world (and anyone else) owes them a living!” but when you need anything from them, they are too busy, can’t be bothered, etc. Boundaries are very important in any relationship and if you are the only one giving and giving, there is an imbalance in your relationship. That would be a dictatorship, not a friendship or relationship. It’s time to look at your own self-worth and expect it to be respected and honored. If you can’t be honored and respected, it’s time to get out and move on!

What about Getting the Narcissist Professional Help? Will it Work?

   I am so familiar with wanting to "fix" and help a narcissist get over their issues. IT DOES NOT WORK! First of all, they don't respect therapists, secondly, they believe NOBODY knows them like they know themselves, and even if they will go to see someone for help, the entire session will turn out to be an interrogation time...with YOU being the victim of the questioning or accusations!

   Narcissists will often say things like "what does a shrink know about me?" "They are just in it for the money!" "Ok, we'll go, but just because YOU need mental help. I am just fine! You are the one who is so unhappy. I don't see why you can't just leave things alone."

   Years ago, when I first started DelusionDispeller outreach, I never would advocate or encourage people divorcing. Since I have met people and counseled them, I am a FIRM advocate of ending relationships with people who have the NPD diagnosis and traits. It is a lose-lose situation unless the narcissist can be totally isolated for a long period of time and re-learn how to care about someone else, learn to share, compromise, communicate non-defensively, and basically change his/her brain.

    I have yet to see a narcissist truly change long-term. I suppose some do, but I have never witnessed it in my life.

You Cannot Make a Narcissist Happy

As a caring person, you might feel like there is something different you can do to make your narcissistic partner happy. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make them be happy or satisfied, because this comes from within.  You need to allow the narcissist to “own” his/her behaviors, but don’t knock yourself out trying to please them.  Living with a person with this personality disorder of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is never easy or even “do-able” for most people.  I will generally advise people to leave if they find themselves with such types of abusers.  If you are married to or in a close relationship with a narcissist in which you are not able to leave, boundaries will be CRUCIAL for you to set and insist on, as well as having people the narcissist will be accountable to if possible. Easier said than done, of course, but necessary.

Narcissism in Families III

There are ways that can help you cope if you have to or choose to live with a narcissist.  You need to realize that the narcissist can NEVER meet your needs for companionship, protection, emotional connection, or love.  You need to become very self-sufficient because they will not do that job for you or for your children.

Having boundaries is a very important part of living with a narcissist.  Sadly, narcissists may not respect your boundaries, since they feel very entitled. This is why I generally advise people to leave if they can.  Enslavement is NEVER acceptable in a relationship. If the narcissist thinks you are their puppet or robot, they will use this to enforce the rule that they always come first and your needs do not count.

Support is crucial in your situation of living with the narcissistic family member.  You must surround yourself with as many stable-minded people as you can. A support group is an excellent idea for you to find people who understand what you are feeling and going through and who can help you find options.

Physical abuse is not ok, EVER. If he/she put their hands on you, OUT YOU GO!

Narcissism in Families II

Narcissists will bring confusion to the marriage and family. They will switch roles from victim to hero to martyr. One moment they might be bragging to people about how they made you what you are today, and the next moment, they might be saying they aren't feeling well, can't think straight, are depressed, feel so alone, etc.  They claim to be often misunderstood and feel like they are not like other people.

Criticism sends this type of person into a rage or confusion or depression.  The narcissist wants you to believe that the person they are showing you is the true creature, but it's not.  This human being learned to stuff his emotions and not let them resurface. Any time you "hit on" the fact that there is more than meets the eye with the narcissist, he will become very nervous and terrified; he will start to hurt you and fight you through his defenses.  Like a roach, he does not want light shined on him so he has to come out of hiding.

There is no true intimacy with a narcissist. They believe they are better than everyone else, feel no need to truly connect or share with another person.  If they are not treated as "the best" they will have a childish tantrum.

Narcissists have followers who are usually insecure, easily controlled, self-deprecators, having no boundaries.  The narcissist rewards or threatens their followers so they will stay by them and put up with their torment of them.  Some people have a "learned state of helplessness," so they believe they can NOT get away from them.

My ex-husband and I were together 23 years because I believed that my boundaries were in tact. After his affair, I decided to leave.  He and I are still on civil terms but he is still narcissistic. Rarely do they change their ways.

Narcissistic "Egg Donors" Were NEVER Your Mother

Narcissistic egg donors will use guilt and favoritism on children.  There is no “being good enough” to please a dissatisfied narcissist.  She lives according to her “writing” of reality so, no matter what the child says, she will insist that they are exaggerating, lying, embellishing, telling stories, or just that the child often makes up things.

This type of narcissist will do almost anything to keep a child stuck at home, unable to drive, live on his/her own, and will thwart any amount of self-confidence they see in the child.  They want to maintain a total dependence in the child on them, no matter how old that child becomes.  It’s all about keeping their supply source, never about what is best for the child.

Recap of October 20 thru 27

This past week, I shared about recovering from narcissistic abuse and the healing that needs to take place after the Post Traumatic Stress disorder that results from it. The importance of journaling was discussed, as well as an actual explanation about how to journal being discussed. We discussed what it feels like when the narcissist pulls the strings on us as if we were nothing more than puppets, and talked about how the narcissist reacts when the "puppet" makes decisions for itself and dares to protest the abuse. The ending of the narcissistic relationship was also evaluated and analyzed as far as the stages you may go through after your beloved narcissist decides he or she is done with you. Types of narcissists were explored, as we learned the behavioral characteristics of each type and found out that their issues belong to them, not us. We talked about how narcissists do not find contentment no matter how much we fall over ourselves trying to make them happy and fulfilled, and we discussed the hated child and the reactions he or she may exhibit due to their situation of abuse. We learned a little about how the narcissist continues coming back over and over again, because they are still trying to maintain the narcissistic supply source as long as they can. Next,I will share about narcissism in families.

Explanation About Egg Donors and Why They ARE NOT MOTHERS, Sorry.

Narcissists who give birth are NOT mothers. Here, I discuss the difference between a true mother and a narcissistic egg donor. Sadly, children and adult children want so badly to believe they are like “everyone else” who has a mother,that they are willing to call their abuser a mother too…or father. The truth is, there are certain traits and behaviors that depict a mother and if the person who “raised” you did not possess or exhibit them, but instead used the behaviors that were discussed first, they WERE NOT NOR ARE your mother.  I know that’s hard to hear but it is truth.  Other good truth is that you, as an adult do not NEED a mother either.  A healthy friend, aunt, leader, therapist, etc can be a great re-parenter for you.  If you are a child or teen, you still don’t need an mother.  When you ask for help because the egg donor is abusing you, you may be provided with a foster family or a place to be where your needs are met.  Mothers and Fathers do NOT harm their children, PERIOD! f the person who "are like "ue mother and a narcissistic, and will th

Narcissism in Families

The narcissistic spouse believes he is like his partner’s God, presents himself as superior, lacks remorse, feels entitles, blames his partner, lies, presents himself of being super busy and needed by people, has low self-esteem but presents a false-persona of him/herself, expects his partner to be a mind reader, is a people-studier so he knows what buttons to push.

When with a person like this, you need to remain calm and not overreact, realize that their projections on you do not mean that you are the guilty one.  You need to realize that it is them with the problem, not you.  You also need to understand that when you saw him “switch” from a nice, giving, loving person, he really did not switch…he was pretending to be “Mr Wonderful.” He never WAS the man of your dreams and she was never the woman of them either.  They rarely become whole unless they literally are removed from society and agree to look at their lives without anyone praising them.

The Bored Narcissist

The Bored Narcissist

How to Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

After being abused in general, a person needs time to heal, but being abused by a narcissist has the added element with it of mental, psychological torment that results in its victims having post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. Baby steps are needed in order to heal and recover from such abuse.

There are several methods of treatment that can be used to help a narcissistic abuse victim.  Journaling is one such method of treatment to help a narcissistically abused person.  Using questions such as Location? Feelings? What do you want to do? What did you do? How do you feel about your choice? You can work through on paper, the feelings that used to drive you toward the narcissistic person.

Learn how to start a recovery journal of your own right here:

The Narcissist's Puppet

The Narcissist's Puppet

Narcissists are “users” in a very real sense of the word. You are nothing more than an object to the narcissist. Puppets are a good example of this type of relationship. The narcissist pulls the “strings” to make the victim move and do what they want them to do.  This works well until the “puppet” realizes he/she is on the strings. At this point, the puppet-victim decides that this control is too tight and uncomfortable.  When this happens, the narcissist is both shocked and amazed that this seemingly inanimate object (you) dares to think for itself, do what it wants, and that its thoughts and actions do not match what the narcissist does or expects it to do.  The narcissist becomes enraged at this point and begins demanding the victim to comply “or else,” as well as using threats, manipulation, promises, or other tactics to get the victim back on the strings of control.

Conclusion: Take Some Kind of Positive Action

Using a watch with a second hand can help you work through making it through the seemingly endless moments after the one you cared about left you.  It is important to form new habits to replace the old ones.  A person will NOT be able to break old habits and stop wanting to be with their partner without having something to replace those old habits. 

Some experiments have determined that it takes about 21 days to make or break any habit.  It would be a great idea to cut off the thoughts about the narcissist in this same way.  Allow yourself a certain amount of time to dwell on things but then go do another new thing…see a movie, walk a dog, sing a song…anything. Eventually, your brain will attach to the new habits.

When you are through with a relationship, you may be tempted to curl up and die. DO NOT DO IT!  Take positive ACTION for your life and you will feel so much better.  Join a gym or a YMCA, pick up a new hobbie, get a pet, just do something!  As long as your mind is busy, you should have less time to obsess about what you’ve lost and put energy toward what you have gained.

Forgiveness Sets You Free!

Breaking up with, leaving, or losing an abusive narcissist can send you reeling! Your mind will do somersaults trying to make sense of it all.  You are going to feel like you did something wrong, could do something different than what you did, were not good enough, didn’t help the person enough, etc.  You will most likely go through various types of mourning stages such as: denial and realization, but eventually you will embrace acceptance,  and even eventually come to a point in which you release the abuser from your hatred and anger…this is forgiveness.  Forgiveness will help you bring positivity into your life and set your own heart and mind free!