What are the 9 Traits of Narcissism?

In order to have a true diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) a person must have 5 of the 9 traits of the disorder.  This video talks about the 9 traits that need to be seen in order to determine a true narcissistic character of a client.

The motive behind harming others is what distinguishes a narcissist from a psychopath.  Narc's main objective is to protect their image that they want others to see as them. Psychopaths simply enjoy harming people, get a "rush" out of it, and have no remorse over what they do.

3. Both Narcissists and Borderlines Are Passionate and Can Exhaust Their Victims

People with these disorders feel inadequate and are often needy perfectionistic and self or false-self focused. Both demand excessive attention but different types of this. Borderlines will pull away from you if they perceive that you reject them yet they will return to you out of fear of rejection and abandonment (I hate you. Don’t leave me!) They are self-punishers who internalize blame; this entails pills, cutting, self-harm, and eating disorders. Narcissists will use manipulation, rejection and anger if you are about to leave them. They use gaslighting (trying to make you feel insane) in order to control you and make you more dependent on them so you will do what they want. Narcissists want to be adored and want you for their slave, Borderlines want you to be their savior. Both people with BPD and NPD are very demanding, all-encompassing, passionate about getting what they want, and can cause the victim to become depressed, trapped, and miserable.

Crazymaking Behaviors of the Narcissist

There are many behaviors of narcissists that can make you feel NUTS!  First, they are people that live almost obsessively/compulsively rigid and by routine. This helps the narcissist feel more secure, but it also makes him/her appear robotic.  It also makes them predictable after a while.

Narcissists are "affection-junkies" as long as the affection can be his/her supply source.  Once that supply ends or he senses it is about to, he will discard you after replacing you with someone else.  Underneath the mask of"Mr/Mrs Wonderful is a lot of anger, rage, revenge, and ugliness.  These traits are based on the defense mechanism that was built up over the years.

If you begin seeing through the narcissist, he/she will start smearing, mocking, criticizing, projecting onto you.  You will be victimized and subjected to much torment.  Don't be shocked if you've been with the narc for years, if suddenly they seem disinterested, bothered by your need for them, or even full of rage because you are "never satisfied." That is ABOUT THEM!  The narcissist NEVER CARED and still DOES NOT CARE about you. I know you think that you and they had this wonderful, magical love affair, marriage, relationship, but that's only in YOUR mind, and was never in theirs. They simply used you till they next best thing came along.

Are You Living With a Narcissist?

There are ways to know if you might be living with a narcissistic person. Guilt trips, constant criticism, false accusations, demand that you do everything their way, making their choices, and feeling like you never measure up, are ways to know that narcissism is present.

Do you feel devalued, controlled, at fault even for things you did not do? Do you feel almost like you do not exist or are invisible until you can do something for the other person?  Are you “tripping over” yourself to please the other person but never being able to?

Is the person you live with able to turn on and off emotions? Did they suddenly go from loving to abhorring you?  Do they seem to have no true care for you or other people? When they look at you, do you see void or emptiness behind their eyes?

Do conversations turn always back onto them? Does the person in your situation say tactless, rude, mean comments to or about you (even in front of others).

Does the other person throw temper tantrums, constantly seem to be competing with you? Tease you mercilessly and seem to find great enjoyment with this or just not care that you find it irritating and invasive?

What is HEALTHY NARCISSISM?

Clear boundaries of self and respecting boundaries of others, desire to do your best, desire to be accepted and loved.

radio interview: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/othersideoflife/2013/03/21/dark-heart-wounded-pastexposing-a-narcissist

Cat n Mouse Catnip Game

When the narcissist becomes bored with his/her supply source, the victim (supply person) is smacked around (verbally or maybe physically) and then the narcissist finds a new supply person and tosses aside the old supply person.

It is out of sight out of mind for the narcissist and erases the supply person from their mind and life.  It is what DISILLUSION means…that awful feeling in which you are asking yourself. “

Is The Behavior of the Narcissist Rational?

Yes, if you consider the fact that this person’s main drive in life is false-self protection.

Narcissists see people like cars. Once it breaks down, it’s time to trade it in for a new model. With people, this means that once the supply source no longer flatters, adores, pleases the narcissist, it’s time to switch supply sources. This is the time you will notice the narcissist suddenly being upset with things about you that used to fascinate and thrill them, and then, you will find yourself being out of the picture and the new source being the one bragged about by the narcissist.

Covert Narcissism

One type of narcissist is known as a “Covert” Narcissist. This type is similar to an outright narcissist but the covert tends to be more underhanded, behind-the scenes.  They tend to be passive-aggressive exploiters.  These people are vulnerable to stress and feel guilty about fantasizing about things they know they will most likely never have or be.  This guilt causes them to suppress their feelings more.  They are angry and envious and see others as weak and wimpy.  They want to be viewed as the hero or the charity worker.  When praised, the covert does not believe it is sincere; they view the one praising them as having alterior motives.  The tend to put themselves down through self-deprecation and admire people they look up to and also resent them at the same time.  Coverts want their victims to succeed yet resent them if they do, out of envy.  This type of narcissist can be explained by the following words: hostile

 exploitative

 never pleased

can't handle stress well

competitive

low self-concept

enviousof people yet hate them

rescuer complex

suspicious

feels unappreciated

puts self down

tend to live with overt narcissists

Recap of November 7- November 14

RECAP In the past week, we discussed the grandiose thinking of the narcissist, in which he or she sees themselves achieving things they truly haven’t, or believes that they are already in a position of power over a group when they are not, just to name a few examples. Also discussed were the facts that narcissists will never truly be happy and that just because you grew up in a house with 2 people who got together and shared an egg and sperm that became you, does NOT mean they are defined as “father” or “mother.” It is normal for people to want to believe they had parents, but there are some humans that just do not deserve the honor of those titles!

Entitlement of the Narcissist

Entitlement of the Narcissist Narcissists believe “the world (and anyone else) owes them a living!” but when you need anything from them, they are too busy, can’t be bothered, etc. Boundaries are very important in any relationship and if you are the only one giving and giving, there is an imbalance in your relationship. That would be a dictatorship, not a friendship or relationship. It’s time to look at your own self-worth and expect it to be respected and honored. If you can’t be honored and respected, it’s time to get out and move on!

What about Getting the Narcissist Professional Help? Will it Work?

   I am so familiar with wanting to "fix" and help a narcissist get over their issues. IT DOES NOT WORK! First of all, they don't respect therapists, secondly, they believe NOBODY knows them like they know themselves, and even if they will go to see someone for help, the entire session will turn out to be an interrogation time...with YOU being the victim of the questioning or accusations!

   Narcissists will often say things like "what does a shrink know about me?" "They are just in it for the money!" "Ok, we'll go, but just because YOU need mental help. I am just fine! You are the one who is so unhappy. I don't see why you can't just leave things alone."

   Years ago, when I first started DelusionDispeller outreach, I never would advocate or encourage people divorcing. Since I have met people and counseled them, I am a FIRM advocate of ending relationships with people who have the NPD diagnosis and traits. It is a lose-lose situation unless the narcissist can be totally isolated for a long period of time and re-learn how to care about someone else, learn to share, compromise, communicate non-defensively, and basically change his/her brain.

    I have yet to see a narcissist truly change long-term. I suppose some do, but I have never witnessed it in my life.

Grandiose Thinking of the Narcissist

Grandiose Thinking

Narcissists have delusions about being rich, famous, and adored. The best thing for you to do is to “humor” the narcissist without seeming like you realize their dreams are phony.  The narcissist is convinced that he really has achieved or will achieve his grand notions.  Often, but not always, the narcissist has claims of talents or ambitions of which he/she is incapable of or has no proof of either.

You Cannot Make a Narcissist Happy

As a caring person, you might feel like there is something different you can do to make your narcissistic partner happy. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make them be happy or satisfied, because this comes from within.  You need to allow the narcissist to “own” his/her behaviors, but don’t knock yourself out trying to please them.  Living with a person with this personality disorder of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is never easy or even “do-able” for most people.  I will generally advise people to leave if they find themselves with such types of abusers.  If you are married to or in a close relationship with a narcissist in which you are not able to leave, boundaries will be CRUCIAL for you to set and insist on, as well as having people the narcissist will be accountable to if possible. Easier said than done, of course, but necessary.

Narcissism in Families II

Narcissists will bring confusion to the marriage and family. They will switch roles from victim to hero to martyr. One moment they might be bragging to people about how they made you what you are today, and the next moment, they might be saying they aren't feeling well, can't think straight, are depressed, feel so alone, etc.  They claim to be often misunderstood and feel like they are not like other people.

Criticism sends this type of person into a rage or confusion or depression.  The narcissist wants you to believe that the person they are showing you is the true creature, but it's not.  This human being learned to stuff his emotions and not let them resurface. Any time you "hit on" the fact that there is more than meets the eye with the narcissist, he will become very nervous and terrified; he will start to hurt you and fight you through his defenses.  Like a roach, he does not want light shined on him so he has to come out of hiding.

There is no true intimacy with a narcissist. They believe they are better than everyone else, feel no need to truly connect or share with another person.  If they are not treated as "the best" they will have a childish tantrum.

Narcissists have followers who are usually insecure, easily controlled, self-deprecators, having no boundaries.  The narcissist rewards or threatens their followers so they will stay by them and put up with their torment of them.  Some people have a "learned state of helplessness," so they believe they can NOT get away from them.

My ex-husband and I were together 23 years because I believed that my boundaries were in tact. After his affair, I decided to leave.  He and I are still on civil terms but he is still narcissistic. Rarely do they change their ways.

Recap of October 20 thru 27

This past week, I shared about recovering from narcissistic abuse and the healing that needs to take place after the Post Traumatic Stress disorder that results from it. The importance of journaling was discussed, as well as an actual explanation about how to journal being discussed. We discussed what it feels like when the narcissist pulls the strings on us as if we were nothing more than puppets, and talked about how the narcissist reacts when the "puppet" makes decisions for itself and dares to protest the abuse. The ending of the narcissistic relationship was also evaluated and analyzed as far as the stages you may go through after your beloved narcissist decides he or she is done with you. Types of narcissists were explored, as we learned the behavioral characteristics of each type and found out that their issues belong to them, not us. We talked about how narcissists do not find contentment no matter how much we fall over ourselves trying to make them happy and fulfilled, and we discussed the hated child and the reactions he or she may exhibit due to their situation of abuse. We learned a little about how the narcissist continues coming back over and over again, because they are still trying to maintain the narcissistic supply source as long as they can. Next,I will share about narcissism in families.

Narcissism in Families

The narcissistic spouse believes he is like his partner’s God, presents himself as superior, lacks remorse, feels entitles, blames his partner, lies, presents himself of being super busy and needed by people, has low self-esteem but presents a false-persona of him/herself, expects his partner to be a mind reader, is a people-studier so he knows what buttons to push.

When with a person like this, you need to remain calm and not overreact, realize that their projections on you do not mean that you are the guilty one.  You need to realize that it is them with the problem, not you.  You also need to understand that when you saw him “switch” from a nice, giving, loving person, he really did not switch…he was pretending to be “Mr Wonderful.” He never WAS the man of your dreams and she was never the woman of them either.  They rarely become whole unless they literally are removed from society and agree to look at their lives without anyone praising them.

The Bored Narcissist

The Bored Narcissist

How to Recover From Narcissistic Abuse

After being abused in general, a person needs time to heal, but being abused by a narcissist has the added element with it of mental, psychological torment that results in its victims having post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. Baby steps are needed in order to heal and recover from such abuse.

There are several methods of treatment that can be used to help a narcissistic abuse victim.  Journaling is one such method of treatment to help a narcissistically abused person.  Using questions such as Location? Feelings? What do you want to do? What did you do? How do you feel about your choice? You can work through on paper, the feelings that used to drive you toward the narcissistic person.

Learn how to start a recovery journal of your own right here:

The Narcissist's Puppet

The Narcissist's Puppet

Narcissists are “users” in a very real sense of the word. You are nothing more than an object to the narcissist. Puppets are a good example of this type of relationship. The narcissist pulls the “strings” to make the victim move and do what they want them to do.  This works well until the “puppet” realizes he/she is on the strings. At this point, the puppet-victim decides that this control is too tight and uncomfortable.  When this happens, the narcissist is both shocked and amazed that this seemingly inanimate object (you) dares to think for itself, do what it wants, and that its thoughts and actions do not match what the narcissist does or expects it to do.  The narcissist becomes enraged at this point and begins demanding the victim to comply “or else,” as well as using threats, manipulation, promises, or other tactics to get the victim back on the strings of control.

Conclusion: Take Some Kind of Positive Action

Using a watch with a second hand can help you work through making it through the seemingly endless moments after the one you cared about left you.  It is important to form new habits to replace the old ones.  A person will NOT be able to break old habits and stop wanting to be with their partner without having something to replace those old habits. 

Some experiments have determined that it takes about 21 days to make or break any habit.  It would be a great idea to cut off the thoughts about the narcissist in this same way.  Allow yourself a certain amount of time to dwell on things but then go do another new thing…see a movie, walk a dog, sing a song…anything. Eventually, your brain will attach to the new habits.

When you are through with a relationship, you may be tempted to curl up and die. DO NOT DO IT!  Take positive ACTION for your life and you will feel so much better.  Join a gym or a YMCA, pick up a new hobbie, get a pet, just do something!  As long as your mind is busy, you should have less time to obsess about what you’ve lost and put energy toward what you have gained.

Forgiveness Sets You Free!

Breaking up with, leaving, or losing an abusive narcissist can send you reeling! Your mind will do somersaults trying to make sense of it all.  You are going to feel like you did something wrong, could do something different than what you did, were not good enough, didn’t help the person enough, etc.  You will most likely go through various types of mourning stages such as: denial and realization, but eventually you will embrace acceptance,  and even eventually come to a point in which you release the abuser from your hatred and anger…this is forgiveness.  Forgiveness will help you bring positivity into your life and set your own heart and mind free!