My temperament: By nature, I tend to be a very caring, loving, giving individual. Back when I met Mrs N, I had just been really hurt by a woman that had borderline personality disorder. My head was spinning, I was confused, and I couldn't figure out how our super tight friendship and ministry could have ended simply because I asked people to pray for her about the "red flags" I was seeing. (I found out later that they didn't pray, but ran to her and told her everything I had said about those red flags!)
The bait: Well, in entered Mrs N, the preachers kid, the guru, the sage, the one that had all answers and was there to help me and "never treat you like a dog, like Mrs Borderline did!" No, Mrs. N had only the "best intentions" for me; she "knew people that knew people" who could publish my poems, introduce me into the professional ministry world...even put me on tv to preach to the masses! Yes, she had money and once she liked ya, you would be privileged to receive new clothes, food at fancy restaurants, fake nails, fake hairstyles....all so you could be "all that" just like Mrs. N.
I WANTED ACCEPTANCE AND APPROVAL! This "fish" bit the bait!
The hook: Mrs. N decided to "take me under" her wing. She would "hone" and train me to be the minister I'd always wanted to be. I would be a "good and impressive" fish. She would teach me the "right way" to interpret the Bible, the finer things in life, the way to raise my children, to be a wife, the right "mindsets" of life, so I could reach people with God's truth! I was Mrs. N's SPECIAL FISH FRIEND and was seen as more important than ANY OTHER fish friend she had at that point.
The catch: All I needed to do was be EXACTLY LIKE HER! I had to become the CLONE OF MRS. N! I had to like only whom and what she liked, be sure to be "one step ahead at all times," never say anything she wouldn't say, dress similar to how she would dress, watch the horror movies she liked to watch (yes, a minister), and no matter what, NEVER MAKE HER OR HER MINISTRY FAMILY LOOK BAD IN ANY LIGHT!
* I also had to be OK with her telling me to do something but then once I did it, having her claim she never told me to do it (Double-bind)
The snag: I was ME NOT HER! I didn't like the "finer things" but was happy and content with the "normal" things in life. I had no need to do my hair up like I had "whipped it" instead of brushed my fingers through my curls. I wasn't comfortable preaching the way she did, or watching horror movies, or adapting to HER mindset! I was ME, Laura, not Mrs. N. Mrs. N would tell me things that confused me and I would "swim in circles" trying to figure out what it was that she wanted of me. While I was swimming around, Mrs. N would just shake her head or show a "look" that said she was ASHAMED of me for not doing her bidding (shaming, blaming, covert manipulation with non verbals).
She finally sees the REAL fish: After a while, Mrs. N really LOOKED at me...the "fish" she had caught. She didn't like it one bit. I would just not DO to be in her ministry or to be her close friend. No, I didn't know how to "be one step ahead" of her and READ HER MIND before she asked me to do something, I tended to LOVE people rather than RESENT them like she did, I was all about EXPOSING and CONFRONTING sin rather than HIDING hers, I just had to QUESTION the abuse I saw from her when we were together, I had to at least WONDER why a spiritual, Godly person was so enjoying movies about MURDER and MAYHEM! Yes, something was so WRONG with this "picture," and I HAD TO UNDERSTAND, so I ASKED, I REBELLED, I decided to be ME in front of Mrs. N. She didn't like the "fish" she had caught but it was there, with her, and it was a lively, wiggling thing, she HAD TO FIND A WAY TO EITHER STOP IT FROM WIGGLING OR GET RID OF IT!
A suitable replacement: Ok, Mrs. N decided that "this fish" would not "do" for her purposes after all. She became frustrated and began to DEVALUE the fish (insults, mockery, put-downs), sometimes she would IGNORE the fish no matter how much it wanted her to notice it and spend time with it (SHUNNING). She even TALKED BAD ABOUT THE FISH TO THE PEOPLE SHE WAS CLOSEST TO (shaming, smearing) RIGHT WHILE THE FISH WAS THERE TO HEAR (intimidation, covert, passive-aggressive abuse, psychological torment). One day, Mrs. N decided that a BETTER TYPE OF FISH (my former borderline personality friend that dumped me before Mrs. N) was around, so it would be ok to GET RID OF (discard) me and REPLACE ME (new narcissistic supply source) with her, RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES! (more covert abuse) of course, when I SAW this and apparently SHOWED HORROR ON MY FACE WHILE SHE WAS DOING IT, she showed no remorse, no sorrow, no regret that she would replace me with THE VERY FISH that caused her to catch me in the first place. In fact SHE BLAMED ME for being SHOCKED as she did this to me! She ACCUSED me of NOT TRUSTING HER. How could I though? I was about to be "last week's menu" and watch my former friend become her "filet minon."
Grab and Toss: This was IT. Mrs. N decided that "I" was the WRONG FISH (I stopped serving her needs, giving her narcissistic supply) By confronting what I had seen that did not seem right, she knew I would "not do" to be her special friend at all, so I was "grabbed" and "tossed." This meant my time was DONE with Mrs. N. She sent me on my way, but not till AFTER I CONFRONTED HER ONE LAST TIME! I demanded to know, to understand: "Why, Mrs. N, did you not FOLLOW THROUGH ON YOUR PROMISES TO ME? WHY DID YOU SAY I WAS YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND BUT IGNORE ME, MOCK ME, PRETEND EVERYTHING WAS OK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHILE YOU TORMENTED ME IN PRIVATE? WHY COULD YOU TREAT SOMEONE YOU SAID WAS SO SPECIAL IN SUCH HATEFUL WAYS? Mrs. N's response was that she DESPISED me, I would NEVER "do" for what she was looking for, I could NEVER "be" what she needed or wanted, and WE SHOULD BOTH BE SO GLAD WE FOUND THIS OUT BEFORE WE GOT TOO INVOLVED! She also wanted me to realize that the former borderline friend-fish was MUCH MORE SUITED FOR HER than I ever could be. Yes, I WAS EXPECTED TO BE HAPPY TO BE REPLACED BY THE FORMER ONE THAT HAD ABUSED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE! With that, she "tossed" me out of her home and her life, to swim alone in worse condition than before I had met her!
My "ocean": The waters around me looked so murky and dirty. The blood from my wounds swirled around me, a reminder of the abuse I'd been through. My body ached, my head spun, and nothing made sense. I wasn't even sure what direction I was swimming in! I asked myself "did I REALLY just experience what I think I did? Did Mrs. N actually CATCH ME, CARE FOR ME, then THROW ME AWAY (lack of empathy) without any feeling about it whatsoever, and actually GLAD she found someone new, the very someone I once "knew"? Ugh, I could barely swim anymore, because the only swimming I did was WITH MRS N, IN HER HOME, HER WAY, WITH HER PEOPLE, HER WORDS, HER BELIEFS, HER EVERYTHING. ALL I KNEW WAS MRS N's WAYS.
And for me, in MY life, THOSE THINGS, THOSE WAYS, WERE HERS NOT MINE and THEY WOULD NEVER "DO!"
~Laura (a survivor of narcissistic abuse)
*This was definitely not the entire, detailed story. You can find that in my videos at www.youtube.com/DelusionDispeller
If you have questions, please ask me. I will answer where I can and point you to someone that can help if not.
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